My Heart Must Be REALLY Sad

I don't know how to blog in a way that people will want to read it. But that's not what blogging is for, it's for me to say how I feel.

I'm so sad, all the time. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be sad, but I am. Everything just seems to be out of my control, and I can't stop things from spiraling downward.

I've been have a lot of problems, swollen ankles, tightness of my chest, shortness of breath, I can't breathe properly when I lay down, I have a weird cough and excess phlegm. I've been swelling more all over my body, I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight, and I can't walk for more than about 3 minutes without getting out of breath and needing to take a break.
What the hell? I'm 19, I should be able to walk my dogs and I should be able to sleep on my back.

I went to the doctor (I think I mentioned some of this once) and I had an ECG, bloodwork, ultrasound, and a chest X-ray done. I saw my doctor, and he told me that everything came back normal other than the ultrasound, which showed an engorged Vena Cava and that my liver was "at the high end of normal". So, he wanted to send me for a CT. Which never happened because I never heard from the radiologist, and that's not my doctor's fault by any means.

Anyway, my symptoms worsened and I ended up going to emergency when I woke up with ankles so swollen it hurt. To make a long story short, the nurses FREAKED out. I got bruises on my left arm from the blood pressure machine, which apparently is not normal (duh). And I just felt overall like crap.

I had another ECG, I had another chest X-ray and I had more bloodwork. The doctor said, oh so surprisingly, that everything came back normal. Was I shocked? No. So I told him what my doctor had said and you know what he said back to me? "well I don't know what's up with that, it's subjective" I asked if he was going to check it out, and he said no. WHAT THE HELL.

So then, he told me that it was just anxiety and nothing was wrong with me. Which really pissed me off, because why the (insert a profanity here) would my ankles be that huge? Why couldn't I walk my dog? Why was I waking up gasping for air? Why am I bruising?

So I argued, then he said he'll send me to have a nuclear medicine test. Which I did the next day, and since he was only testing for a stupid blood clot in my lungs, they didn't find anything. Only it was the next day so I had to see the new doctor who was working in emerg. I swear they wrote on my chart "Crazy, it's just anxiety" because he told me...wait for it...that it's probably just anxiety. Which caused me to burst into tears because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.

So HE sent me to have an echocardiogram done of my heart. Which was done like a week later, then I saw my GP because he actually cares about me. When I saw him I told him my new symptoms and he told me he was worried. He didn't have the full test results, but what he did have back were the rough notes.

I have two leaking valves. Two. My heart is regurgitating blood, and since the person doing the exam hadn't done whatever they need to do to have the full diagnosis I am sitting on my ass waiting. Waiting to find out the next step. Do I need surgery? More medicine? Oh, I forgot to say I'm taking diuretics. I'm now also taking an indigestion pill daily because I have such bad heartburn/indigestion it's insane.

Anyway, I've been referred to a cardiologist. Woo. I still haven't heard anything about an appointment and it's been about two weeks. Lucky me.

And that, is what's going on.

Another day I will tell you all about the new gynecologist I saw, and my treatment. And how much I hate vagina doctors.

But for today, you learned about my broken heart.

One Day

I think one day I'm just going to drop dead. That'll be the day the doctor's realise that something maybe could have been done.

I try to love my body, but I don't. It hates me, it hurts me, it's broken all over and I'm too young for this pain.

I just wish someone would give me answers.