Sometimes Life Happens

Life, it's just a big long series of events. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. My eyes are so tired and my brain is functioning at about the same capacity as it would if I were three or four glasses of wine in. I just don't FEEL like I'm three of four glasses of wine in. In fact, I feel like I've run a marathon and then decided that going to the gym afterward was a good idea and that eating a big meal of pasta and garlic bread was a great way to end off my evening.

But I haven't done any of that. I've had no wine, I've run not marathons, I certainly have not gone to the gym and I did eat a big meal, but it wasn't pasta and garlic bread. My money is on the Epival, or if you want to be fancy, Apo-Divalproex. Or the cold. Or my MS. Or the fact that I can't seem to get a grip on my life and everything makes me sad, or angry, or scared, or too happy.

Emotions, they're here and there and everywhere. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. Mine, they're usually great or horrible, and very, very rarely, in the middle. Somehow, I don't know how, I've made it this far. I have barely made it to twenty-four. And somehow, I went to college, and graduated, and did well. And somehow, I have entered into a post-graduate program (we'll see about the success here). And somehow I got an internship at a great place. And somehow I got a job in the industry I went to school for. And somehow they want to keep me there and are going out of their way to try to hire me for a new position. And somehow, I can't deal with it.

My thoughts rush through my mind, and I feel like I'm losing a battle within myself. I am a capable human, I am capable of living in this world and achieving things that other people can achieve. I know I am, because I have proven to myself that I am capable by accomplishing things. I always have to battle myself on everything that I do. Like there's this one side of me - logical, and able to see things for what they really are. Then, there's the crazy side of me - a constant swing of happy, sad, angry, confused, lethargic, ambitious, procrastinating, etc., etc. The logical side watches the crazy side make decisions and do things, all the while saying, "NO! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" or, "Wow, that was really responsible and I am proud of you."

My mind is a never ending battle of who I am. Who am I? Sylvia Plath said it great, "I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don't ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?" Where do I fall in the grand scheme of things? What do I really believe? What do I really stand for?

And at the end of the day, I couldn't tell you. I am so unwell. I am so very unwell. 

Hello Internet.

Hello world. I don't really think anyone reads this blog, and that's okay.

I'm making a very short post, since I haven't posted in months, or been active whatsoever on here.

I have a new health problem, they're testing me for Remitting Relapsing Multiple Sclerosis. I just wanted to put it in here.

Maybe now I'm going to start blogging again, who knows?! I just wanted to add it for some reason.

That's all for now.

Long Time, No Blog

Hey.

So I don't know if anyone even will see this, but I just wanted to say that you ladies have all been on my mind for the longest time. I fell into a deep depression for a long time, where I didn't want to have anything to do with vaginas or pelvic pain. I've come out of it, I've been out for a while now, but I just bided my time before coming back here.

I'll give an update:

I'm seeing a new gynaecologist who is fantastic. He's very kind, gentle and listens so well to me. I haven't been doing any treatments, just icing and sitz baths to try and ignore the pain. I hit rock bottom a while back, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and spiraling downwards into a worse depression. I snapped out of it, thankfully, we're back together now after working out the kinks in our relationship. That's about it, really.

My pain has not changed, it has not gotten better or worse. Everything stays the same for me. I was on facebook a while back, in one of the "support" groups there, and I asked if anyone was from Canada, because I can never find anyone in Canada. Sure enough, a few women popped up and told me they were starting a face to face support group, and that I was welcome to join. I jumped at the opportunity and got all the information.

There's only about 6 of us in the group, but that's okay, it's more intimate and easier to get comfortable with everyone. We're hoping to get the word out there that we exist, and to help more women. We share treatment information, doctors and stories about how we came to where we are. We've only met up twice now, but hope to make it a monthly thing. It's been really comforting and helpful to me to know that these women are here to listen.

I'm the youngest in the group, of course, but that's alright. This is short, and just basic, I'm not feeling a lot of emotions in any way right now. I guess content is the word. Regardless, if you're in Canada and looking for support, check us out:

http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/TorontoVPSG/?yguid=

If you're nearby we can meet up hopefully.

Thanks for reading, I promise to get caught up with everyone else.

Lots of love,

Natalie

Please...

I don't even know how many times I've come on this page to start writing, and then just closed it. It feels like my brain turns to liquid and drains out. I really want someone to help me, I feel like I'm going to drown. Life is not supposed to be this miserable, it's supposed to be good with a little bit of miserable.

I just want to know when I'm going to be happy. That's all.

I give in

Have you ever wanted to pour your soul out but didn't know where to begin?

Because that's how I feel right now. I thought after I stopped blogging things were going to get better in my life, but it seems they've taken a turn for the worse...again. So here's how I'm going to do this:

I'm feeling:
lonely
lost
scared
hurt
angry
worried
disgusted
determined
sad
worthless
insignificant


Here is what has happened:
I don't really remember the time line for any of this stuff, so sorry if it's out of order.

My good friend who used to live with me, and was part of the family, has stopped talking to me all together. Long story short: she started having sex with this guy who gave her mono, I told her I didn't think he was a good guy and to be careful, she got mad. They were having unprotected sex, and I told her that she shouldn't get pregnant since she can't afford a baby, and that STDs are real. She got mad at me. I told her I was going to support her in her decisions, as long as she was careful, and she stopped talking to me. She lived with another one of my good friends, and I have a feeling that a lot of petty gossip went on in that house.
She also worked with another "friend", and by friend I mean person whom I try not to have problems with because she's insane and obsessed with me to a level that makes me uncomfortable. That person ran their mouth as well. I don't know the full story, but she definitely treated me badly and then just ran like the wind.

Then, my grandmother had a stroke, this was her second. She's still alive (praise the Lord) and fortunately not TOO much changed. It's just made life a little more complicated. A complicated people my age don't seem to understand. I can't just jump up and go, I can't just take off for a weekend. I don't know what that's so hard to understand.

THEN...this is a biggie. My boyfriend's brother got arrested the day after his birthday. He apparently was being monitored by TWO different sex crime units, and was caught for possession and distribution of child pornography. I can't handle it. It's completely torn me to pieces. I was never close with him, nor was my boyfriend, and to be honest it was because he was always distant. I wonder why...

It's really taken a toll on me, it CONSUMES me. All I seem to think about, is what his brother has done. No one seems to understand why, they tell me I'm insane. They tell me that I need to be there and help support my boyfriend's family, which would make sense, if I didn't feel they were supporting the wrong his brother did.

It's too upsetting right now to even talk about, it's just making me get acid reflux and cry. Anyway, that's all I'm going to write now. I know I said I didn't know if I'd be back, but I'm back. I'm back because I feel like maybe people here won't prejudge me, and they'll understand where I'm coming from. Maybe here people won't "need me" to be strong for them, and ask me to push my problems to the side.

I just feel so...displaced.

If You See Natalie

"If You See Natalie" - Eels

If you see natalie
Send along this message
I know that you've been through
An awful lot of late

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

Friends and fortunetellers
They all say you're gonna die
If you don't brighten up
You know you gotta try

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

If you see natalie
Send along this message
You may not need this world
But this world needs you here

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

You might not feel it now
But you're gonna get there
And see it somehow
Youre gonna be alright, girl



Peace out. I don't know if I'll be back on blogger or not.

This Post is too Long, Sorry...

Being 19 is like, being a baby.
I feel so small and little, I feel so young and scared.
The world is such a big place, such a big scary place full of lots of people, and the more I venture into it, the more I feel like I'm just another number, another piece of the earth that no one will really ever notice or care to fix. I just want to feel normal.

I went to Niagara Falls in May, on Victoria Day weekend. I went with my boyfriend. I left Ontario for the first time in my whole entire life. I went to Buffalo! We shopped, I got a dress for his cousin's wedding that was the following weekend. It was actually fantastic. We had a hotel (on the Canadian side), we ate at Applebee's, we did some of the stuff like wax museums and whatnot. It was good, our relationship has been great since. I know, it's been like three weeks. Regardless, I never knew how badly I needed a trip. A vacation to just, unwind. There was no stress, there was no worry. I didn't have any responsibility.

I was still in pain. Lots of pain. I woke up all through the night with hip pain, but fortunately I had someone to massage me back to sleep, which was nice for a change. But after the trip, I've been having horrible leg cramping, the veins in my legs, especially calves, are really noticeable, almost varicose. I have tons of spider veins as well, and if you even lightly touch them it hurts. I've been getting headaches and when I walk I feel like I can't pick my feet up high enough off the ground, which makes me trip.

Before I went away, I was walking home with the kids from a convenience store carrying a soda bottle, my hand just released it and the bottle shattered everywhere. Fortunately I was the only one who got a tiny cut from the glass, but it scares me that I did it. My joints are starting to swell at night, and sometimes I can't type at all. My Fingers ache and stiffen up in the cold, my ankles, knees, hips, lower back, shoulder blades, elbows, neck, you name it, ache and creek and crack. I don't really know what's going on, sometimes I can't straighten my fingers because it hurts so badly, and my wrists are doing the same thing.

I went to the hospital on the 2nd and had a trans-esophageal echo cardiogram done. Er - was supposed to have done. Apparently the drugs they used on me made me very emotional and anxious. All I remember was extreme pain in the back of my throat and coughing. When I woke up my dad was there - which made me freak out more because he wasn't even supposed to be at the hospital that day - holding my hand. They said I told them my throat felt like it was closing and just kept crying. The doctor said that from the three other echos I have had done, the hole is very tiny and this test is not urgent. The only thing is that I need to tell a doctor that I have a hole in my heart when I try to get pregnant, and when I have babies they need to have echos done of their hearts at birth.

But I'm never having babies because I have vulvodynia and I'm never getting better from that so I can't ever have sex because if I want to it makes me hurt so bad I can't do anything but lay down with a wine bottle between my legs and sob. Yeah, we went back to the Falls for a night after driving a friend to the Buffalo airport, and things went awry. Long story short, that's how my night ended, wine bottle between legs, lots of tears, and a boy who just doesn't seem to understand no matter how hard he tries to.

And you wanna know something? (probably not) I wake up every day, I get ready, I go to work, I sit in my chair and do my job, I come home, and I make supper. I try to take care of my dog, I help with my grandmother, I try to do the best that I can. But sometimes I just want someone to do it all for me, because I drop everything, and it hurts to do anything. And he, like everyone else in my life, just doesn't understand the difficulties of my day to day life. Like, I feel that everyone thinks I'm making this stuff up. I'm constantly asked to do things that I can't always do, I take it from minute to minute.

And sometimes, gosh darndit, I need a break. I need someone to plan and DO everything for me. I would love to take a mini road trip, just a weekend, like for the Falls again, only drive out to the middle of nowhere, somewhere near a lake. Just drive around, look at some cute little towns, explore, stay in a cozy hotel for a night or two, and come back home. But I don't want to plan the whole thing. The whole point would be so that I don't need to think.

Can you tell there's a lot on my mind? I don't have my ultrasound until JULY and my CT scan isn't until the end of this month. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow about my new symptoms, and my goal for 2010 is to get a full, proper diagnosis of what is wrong with me. I know it's June, but that's my resolution.

I will have every test possible done until we come to a conclusion. But for this month, I'm personally leaning toward lupus. I know it was "ruled out" two years ago, but after everyone I've been talking to, and the fact that I tested positive, even if it was at the low end, I'm thinking this might be it.

Now my battery is dying and this is a million years long. So I will talk to you all later, and I wish I could talk to you all face to face.

Love,
Natalie