So tonight my boyfriend and I went out and got McDonald's because I just couldn't take not eating it any longer. My stomach is killing me. After we ate we were sitting in his car on our street when we saw my friend's mom and brother driving around the street. Then we saw a dog. Long story short we took the dog to my boyfriend's house and it licked us a lot. I have a cut on my hand and now I am terrified I'm going to get rabies because I'm an anxious person.
I called Telehealth and I'm waiting for a nurse to call me back and tell me what to do.
What if I get rabies? I'll die. That's scary.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Tightropes, Stairs and Vomit
The other day my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show called In Real Life. It's a show where these kids are challenged to "work" a "real" job. At the end of the season they win some prize money or something, I guess a child version of a reality show. Anyway, the theme of the episode we so happened to be watching was about circus performers. They had to ride a mini bike, walk on a tightrope and then do some tricks on a trampoline, or something along those lines.
So this girl was doing the challenge where she had to walk on the tightrope. It was really intense because she kept falling of it and I felt bad for her. But then she fell smack down onto the rope, like landed on her crotch on the rope. When she landed my eyes welled with tears because I could imagine, well I assumed the pain felt like mine does. She was down and cried for a long time...and my boyfriend looked at me and said, "do you think she could get vulvodynia from that?"
That lead me to wonder...could she? I don't really know, I don't think anything like that ever happened to me and I know the cause is still unknown, but maybe different things can cause it. I don't know, all I can think of is how badly it must have hurt.
Then tonight when I was watching the kids, one of the girls slid down the stairs one at a time. Thud, thud, thud. Landing on her butt every time. I used to do that when I was a kid...but now, FORGET IT! It would end with me bawling my eyes out and ice between my thighs. I think about these things and how lucky other people are.
And in other news, one of the luxury's of going off of birth control is that I puke before I get my period again! YAY! Today I had awful cramps and I went to go lay down and I puked...it was awful. Fortunately, then my bad mood from earlier in the day was instantly forgiven by all around me. I know it's not a flu bug or anything because I feel fine now, still no period though. 30 days and nada, hurry up so I can stop stuffing my face!!!
So this girl was doing the challenge where she had to walk on the tightrope. It was really intense because she kept falling of it and I felt bad for her. But then she fell smack down onto the rope, like landed on her crotch on the rope. When she landed my eyes welled with tears because I could imagine, well I assumed the pain felt like mine does. She was down and cried for a long time...and my boyfriend looked at me and said, "do you think she could get vulvodynia from that?"
That lead me to wonder...could she? I don't really know, I don't think anything like that ever happened to me and I know the cause is still unknown, but maybe different things can cause it. I don't know, all I can think of is how badly it must have hurt.
Then tonight when I was watching the kids, one of the girls slid down the stairs one at a time. Thud, thud, thud. Landing on her butt every time. I used to do that when I was a kid...but now, FORGET IT! It would end with me bawling my eyes out and ice between my thighs. I think about these things and how lucky other people are.
And in other news, one of the luxury's of going off of birth control is that I puke before I get my period again! YAY! Today I had awful cramps and I went to go lay down and I puked...it was awful. Fortunately, then my bad mood from earlier in the day was instantly forgiven by all around me. I know it's not a flu bug or anything because I feel fine now, still no period though. 30 days and nada, hurry up so I can stop stuffing my face!!!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Updates on My Life
So since my last post I went to see my doctor (my GP), permed my hair on a whim and set my vagina on fire...only not literally.
In the correct order, I permed my hair first. Which really doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but there's a story to go with it. Since I had to perm my hair sitting down I brought my invalid cushion that I made adjust to my body. So I had about 4 different hairdressers doing my hair, and since my cushion has a cover they just thought it was because I would be sitting for 2 and a half hours in the chair...
Then one of them (the youngest one) asked me if I had "wing ring". When she realized my face was all, "what the hell did you just say?" she explained it's when you eat too many hot wings and have the runs. I laughed and told her I have lady problems that make me hurt when I...live. Only I said sit. So she asked me to elaborate, so I told her it's called vulvodynia and it's vulvar pain. She didn't know what a vulva was. I believe her response was, "I know what feels good..." While in my mind I was thinking, "Oh for it to feel good..."
Anyway, I explained as best I could in the back of the salon that the opening of my vagina feels like fire most of the time, and when it doesn't feel like fire it feels like someone is pinching me whose hand is made of millions of razor blades that have salt all over them. The entire time the woman a few chairs down from me was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever had in my life. So since I'm me, I just spoke louder and more in depth about my problem, just so I could annoy her. She eventually shook her head and when she left muttered something I didn't quite catch...
Then I went to my doctor...I don't really remember what day, they blur together. I told him about my appointment with the evil gyne, and I wish I had taken a picture of his face. This doctor of mine is the same doctor which told my mother she was pregnant with me, and I've spent many hours of my life in his office. He was appauled! He told me that was extremely unprofessional and innapropriate and he said he was going to do whatever he could about it. Bless his heart. So I gave him my list of "new" symptoms, AKA the symptoms I've just ignored, and he told me he wants me to chart everything for him. He said that if my chart mimics endometriosis symptoms then he will send me for a laparoscopy, and then he will further venture into all the other things that don't add up. Like the peeing my pants a little every now and then.
THEN, after those two exciting stories, my vagina set itself on fire. The flare is calming down and it's back to it's usual annoying burn. Before I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand comfortably, lying down was somewhat ok, but then my back would hurt. I didn't have anything that I could think of to make it better other than to just not wear any underwear, which was a challenge because I have a lot of discharge right now (I think it's ovulation, but I really don't know). So I laid in my bed and watched TV while eating foods that made me gain five pounds and thought of the many different things I would rather have gone through than my firecrotch.
There. I've been wanting to get that out.
P.S. My perm is pretty neat...it's not all big and crazy like my mom's was when I was a baby. It's relaxed and pretty, only I think it's coming out really fast. Just in case you were wondering.
In the correct order, I permed my hair first. Which really doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but there's a story to go with it. Since I had to perm my hair sitting down I brought my invalid cushion that I made adjust to my body. So I had about 4 different hairdressers doing my hair, and since my cushion has a cover they just thought it was because I would be sitting for 2 and a half hours in the chair...
Then one of them (the youngest one) asked me if I had "wing ring". When she realized my face was all, "what the hell did you just say?" she explained it's when you eat too many hot wings and have the runs. I laughed and told her I have lady problems that make me hurt when I...live. Only I said sit. So she asked me to elaborate, so I told her it's called vulvodynia and it's vulvar pain. She didn't know what a vulva was. I believe her response was, "I know what feels good..." While in my mind I was thinking, "Oh for it to feel good..."
Anyway, I explained as best I could in the back of the salon that the opening of my vagina feels like fire most of the time, and when it doesn't feel like fire it feels like someone is pinching me whose hand is made of millions of razor blades that have salt all over them. The entire time the woman a few chairs down from me was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever had in my life. So since I'm me, I just spoke louder and more in depth about my problem, just so I could annoy her. She eventually shook her head and when she left muttered something I didn't quite catch...
Then I went to my doctor...I don't really remember what day, they blur together. I told him about my appointment with the evil gyne, and I wish I had taken a picture of his face. This doctor of mine is the same doctor which told my mother she was pregnant with me, and I've spent many hours of my life in his office. He was appauled! He told me that was extremely unprofessional and innapropriate and he said he was going to do whatever he could about it. Bless his heart. So I gave him my list of "new" symptoms, AKA the symptoms I've just ignored, and he told me he wants me to chart everything for him. He said that if my chart mimics endometriosis symptoms then he will send me for a laparoscopy, and then he will further venture into all the other things that don't add up. Like the peeing my pants a little every now and then.
THEN, after those two exciting stories, my vagina set itself on fire. The flare is calming down and it's back to it's usual annoying burn. Before I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand comfortably, lying down was somewhat ok, but then my back would hurt. I didn't have anything that I could think of to make it better other than to just not wear any underwear, which was a challenge because I have a lot of discharge right now (I think it's ovulation, but I really don't know). So I laid in my bed and watched TV while eating foods that made me gain five pounds and thought of the many different things I would rather have gone through than my firecrotch.
There. I've been wanting to get that out.
P.S. My perm is pretty neat...it's not all big and crazy like my mom's was when I was a baby. It's relaxed and pretty, only I think it's coming out really fast. Just in case you were wondering.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
This Week Has Been Awful
Today I went to celebrate the Ukrainian Easter with my boyfriend and his family. Which was hell. I hated every second of it, I bought a cushion which only sort of kind of helps and I have been trying to ignore this horrible burning pain in my crotch. Every time I think of the burning pain I think of firecrotch and how women with vulvodynia are the real firecrotches...anyway. I went off of birth control which is making me more emotional than I need to be, and then going to a family gathering with people whom I know I dislike is just adding to the emotional side of me.
On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.
My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.
He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!
Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.
Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.
One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.
On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.
My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.
He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!
Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.
Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.
One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I Went to the Gynecologist
I'm so mad right now I don't know what words to use. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there until someone finds a cure.
My doctor - whom I used to LOVE - made me so mad today. He told me that if I don't take Cymbalta or whatever the other one I can't think of the name is, my only other option is surgery, and the surgery won't cure all the pain anyway. There's an 85% chance it will work, and that will make 90% of the pain directly in the area go away. Those are my "last" two options. I don't like taking medications because I forget to take them all the time, I always react to every one, my body builds immunities up to everything, and I don't want to take them for the rest of my life. Surgery is just scary and makes me nervous.
He told me regardless that I'm not going to get better. Is that okay to tell me? I know it's not cancer, I know this won't kill me, but I feel awful. The rest of my life is going to be this? Want to know what else he said? He said I shouldn't read blogs or other people's stories because then I'm just going to keep comparing myself to them and will want to make myself seem worse, so it basically would just turn into a huge competition. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have metioned I've been looking for help online, but my GP always tells me to do that. I'm so upset.
I want to get better. I want to get better so badly. I want to have babies when I'm older. I want to be able to sit. I want to know what did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong that cursed me with this?
I want a friend who understands.
I just want to be better.
My doctor - whom I used to LOVE - made me so mad today. He told me that if I don't take Cymbalta or whatever the other one I can't think of the name is, my only other option is surgery, and the surgery won't cure all the pain anyway. There's an 85% chance it will work, and that will make 90% of the pain directly in the area go away. Those are my "last" two options. I don't like taking medications because I forget to take them all the time, I always react to every one, my body builds immunities up to everything, and I don't want to take them for the rest of my life. Surgery is just scary and makes me nervous.
He told me regardless that I'm not going to get better. Is that okay to tell me? I know it's not cancer, I know this won't kill me, but I feel awful. The rest of my life is going to be this? Want to know what else he said? He said I shouldn't read blogs or other people's stories because then I'm just going to keep comparing myself to them and will want to make myself seem worse, so it basically would just turn into a huge competition. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have metioned I've been looking for help online, but my GP always tells me to do that. I'm so upset.
I want to get better. I want to get better so badly. I want to have babies when I'm older. I want to be able to sit. I want to know what did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong that cursed me with this?
I want a friend who understands.
I just want to be better.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'm Just So Angry
I'm going to see my gynecologist tomorrow, which always brings on some sort of stress. I hate going, I'm a big girl about it and I always have been, but I just hate it so much. I hate free healthcare sometimes because it's really crappy at times. Not to say I would rather not have it, but really it sucks. I don't get to choose my doctors, I have to take what's available and then they get booked and rushed and I get forgotten about.
I'm miserable tonight and I can't sleep. I was expecting my period yesterday or today or sometime around now, but seeing as I just went off the pill it might not come when expected which is driving me nuts. I hate not knowing when it's going to hit, especially since last time I went off the pill my cramps were so bad I couldn't get out of my bed. I guess I'm thankful that it hasn't come though, I have never gone to the gynecologist when I was on my period, and frankly I don't think I want to. I called to reschedule on Monday (thinking I was going to have my period tomorrow), but they told me I had to keep my appointment or I wouldn't get in until June. I wouldn't get in until June? This most likely means that my next appointment won't be until June. Great.
Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and I know that sounds cliche and so teenage drama, but I just hate this. I feel so lonely, and I get so overwhelmed everything comes out jumbled. My boyfriend is really the only support I have around here, and my lady problems are on hold right now because we have to deal with a bigger problem involving him. Most days I feel like crap. I want to get out of this rut, I want to feel better about myself.
So I try to do little things that make me feel better, I love to get manicures and pedicures, but sitting in the bloody chairs hurts so much. Most of the time I just ignore it because my butt eventually falls asleep. On top of that, they're expensive and I only get them done once every couple of months. There's not a whole lot I can do for myself to feel good. My house is so crowded and it's so hard to have privacy around here that it just makes everything worse (there's 7 people who live in my house and we ALWAYS have company). Basically, I feel awful and I can't really make my thoughts come out any clearer. There's more I wanted to say but I forgot how I was going to say it.
Anyway, to sum it all up: I hate my vagina and I hate my muscles.
I'm miserable tonight and I can't sleep. I was expecting my period yesterday or today or sometime around now, but seeing as I just went off the pill it might not come when expected which is driving me nuts. I hate not knowing when it's going to hit, especially since last time I went off the pill my cramps were so bad I couldn't get out of my bed. I guess I'm thankful that it hasn't come though, I have never gone to the gynecologist when I was on my period, and frankly I don't think I want to. I called to reschedule on Monday (thinking I was going to have my period tomorrow), but they told me I had to keep my appointment or I wouldn't get in until June. I wouldn't get in until June? This most likely means that my next appointment won't be until June. Great.
Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and I know that sounds cliche and so teenage drama, but I just hate this. I feel so lonely, and I get so overwhelmed everything comes out jumbled. My boyfriend is really the only support I have around here, and my lady problems are on hold right now because we have to deal with a bigger problem involving him. Most days I feel like crap. I want to get out of this rut, I want to feel better about myself.
So I try to do little things that make me feel better, I love to get manicures and pedicures, but sitting in the bloody chairs hurts so much. Most of the time I just ignore it because my butt eventually falls asleep. On top of that, they're expensive and I only get them done once every couple of months. There's not a whole lot I can do for myself to feel good. My house is so crowded and it's so hard to have privacy around here that it just makes everything worse (there's 7 people who live in my house and we ALWAYS have company). Basically, I feel awful and I can't really make my thoughts come out any clearer. There's more I wanted to say but I forgot how I was going to say it.
Anyway, to sum it all up: I hate my vagina and I hate my muscles.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Going Off The Pill
I decided last month that I would stop taking birth control (mainly because it was too expensive and my prescription ran out). So I had my period and all was well for...a day.
Here are the changes I have noticed since I went off the pill:
- EXTREME lower abdominal pain
- bowel movements have become even more painful than before
- my stomach looks like I am pregnant (I will take a picture if you don't believe me)
- my legs ache from my hips down to my knees
- I'm stiffer (which may just be the weather change, I'm not sure yet)
- I'm more tired than ever, but can't fall asleep
- nausea every time I eat
- craving foods...like cheese and ketchup together/grease/salt/sugar (which I am not normally a fan of)
- constantly stuffing my face
- gas pains
- headaches
- more frequent urination...and sometimes peeing in my pants a little bit before I make it to the washroom
- I'm WAY more emotional
- hot flashes
- Oh, and I gained ten pounds so none of my pants fit and I had to buy new ones...
Isn't that just dandy? So I've been trying to work out, but since I have muscle problems that's not always easy. And since I live in Canada and spring is starting the weather is really stupid, changing from -5 C to 15 C within 24 hours (For those of you who use Fahrenheit that is 23 F to 59 F). I keep having really bad hot flashes and feeling like I'm dying so it really hasn't worked out. Basically I've been sitting on my butt eating donuts and drinking lots of pop, that'll make me lose weight for sure.
I am so angry and I feel so disgusting that I don't know what to do with myself. Did I mention I have horrible gas? It's bad...I feel like a pregnant woman. Food cravings, gas and peeing myself when I laugh. Yay.
Here are the changes I have noticed since I went off the pill:
- EXTREME lower abdominal pain
- bowel movements have become even more painful than before
- my stomach looks like I am pregnant (I will take a picture if you don't believe me)
- my legs ache from my hips down to my knees
- I'm stiffer (which may just be the weather change, I'm not sure yet)
- I'm more tired than ever, but can't fall asleep
- nausea every time I eat
- craving foods...like cheese and ketchup together/grease/salt/sugar (which I am not normally a fan of)
- constantly stuffing my face
- gas pains
- headaches
- more frequent urination...and sometimes peeing in my pants a little bit before I make it to the washroom
- I'm WAY more emotional
- hot flashes
- Oh, and I gained ten pounds so none of my pants fit and I had to buy new ones...
Isn't that just dandy? So I've been trying to work out, but since I have muscle problems that's not always easy. And since I live in Canada and spring is starting the weather is really stupid, changing from -5 C to 15 C within 24 hours (For those of you who use Fahrenheit that is 23 F to 59 F). I keep having really bad hot flashes and feeling like I'm dying so it really hasn't worked out. Basically I've been sitting on my butt eating donuts and drinking lots of pop, that'll make me lose weight for sure.
I am so angry and I feel so disgusting that I don't know what to do with myself. Did I mention I have horrible gas? It's bad...I feel like a pregnant woman. Food cravings, gas and peeing myself when I laugh. Yay.
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