My Heart Must Be REALLY Sad

I don't know how to blog in a way that people will want to read it. But that's not what blogging is for, it's for me to say how I feel.

I'm so sad, all the time. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be sad, but I am. Everything just seems to be out of my control, and I can't stop things from spiraling downward.

I've been have a lot of problems, swollen ankles, tightness of my chest, shortness of breath, I can't breathe properly when I lay down, I have a weird cough and excess phlegm. I've been swelling more all over my body, I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight, and I can't walk for more than about 3 minutes without getting out of breath and needing to take a break.
What the hell? I'm 19, I should be able to walk my dogs and I should be able to sleep on my back.

I went to the doctor (I think I mentioned some of this once) and I had an ECG, bloodwork, ultrasound, and a chest X-ray done. I saw my doctor, and he told me that everything came back normal other than the ultrasound, which showed an engorged Vena Cava and that my liver was "at the high end of normal". So, he wanted to send me for a CT. Which never happened because I never heard from the radiologist, and that's not my doctor's fault by any means.

Anyway, my symptoms worsened and I ended up going to emergency when I woke up with ankles so swollen it hurt. To make a long story short, the nurses FREAKED out. I got bruises on my left arm from the blood pressure machine, which apparently is not normal (duh). And I just felt overall like crap.

I had another ECG, I had another chest X-ray and I had more bloodwork. The doctor said, oh so surprisingly, that everything came back normal. Was I shocked? No. So I told him what my doctor had said and you know what he said back to me? "well I don't know what's up with that, it's subjective" I asked if he was going to check it out, and he said no. WHAT THE HELL.

So then, he told me that it was just anxiety and nothing was wrong with me. Which really pissed me off, because why the (insert a profanity here) would my ankles be that huge? Why couldn't I walk my dog? Why was I waking up gasping for air? Why am I bruising?

So I argued, then he said he'll send me to have a nuclear medicine test. Which I did the next day, and since he was only testing for a stupid blood clot in my lungs, they didn't find anything. Only it was the next day so I had to see the new doctor who was working in emerg. I swear they wrote on my chart "Crazy, it's just anxiety" because he told me...wait for it...that it's probably just anxiety. Which caused me to burst into tears because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.

So HE sent me to have an echocardiogram done of my heart. Which was done like a week later, then I saw my GP because he actually cares about me. When I saw him I told him my new symptoms and he told me he was worried. He didn't have the full test results, but what he did have back were the rough notes.

I have two leaking valves. Two. My heart is regurgitating blood, and since the person doing the exam hadn't done whatever they need to do to have the full diagnosis I am sitting on my ass waiting. Waiting to find out the next step. Do I need surgery? More medicine? Oh, I forgot to say I'm taking diuretics. I'm now also taking an indigestion pill daily because I have such bad heartburn/indigestion it's insane.

Anyway, I've been referred to a cardiologist. Woo. I still haven't heard anything about an appointment and it's been about two weeks. Lucky me.

And that, is what's going on.

Another day I will tell you all about the new gynecologist I saw, and my treatment. And how much I hate vagina doctors.

But for today, you learned about my broken heart.

One Day

I think one day I'm just going to drop dead. That'll be the day the doctor's realise that something maybe could have been done.

I try to love my body, but I don't. It hates me, it hurts me, it's broken all over and I'm too young for this pain.

I just wish someone would give me answers.

Everyone's having sex, except for me!

That's so unfair!

I went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago, before I knew something might be wrong with my liver. So I was drinking (not much) and since there were underage kids I didn't want to be ridiculous. Anyway, this girl I used to work with asked me to talk to her alone, so we did. And to try and avoid making it super well known who she is, I will just give a short description of our conversation:

She described pain identical to my vulvar pain. I was totally shocked, had I really met someone who had the same problems as me, IN THE FLESH? Someone I could hug and talk to face to face, someone I could see and be with? I know, it's awful I got excited...I don't wish this on anyone, but I was still excited to have someone to talk to. So I gave her all of the information I could, I told her everything I could think of that I've been through, and told her to go to a doctor.

She messaged me a few days ago saying she doesn't have what I do, because penetration was possible. It still hurts, but she doesn't want to see a doctor because she thinks she's just being a baby.

Well, I can't force her to do anything, and I can't do anything about it, it's her choice, so fine. But she's having sex, and I'm not.

THEN tonight my best friend calls me, and she's been living with someone else before she moves in here with me, and she tells me that she's getting some. By some I mean a lot, and yeah it's new to her and exciting and she's never done it until now, but I'm SO jealous.
Only, she asked if it's normal to have pain in the area of your uterus.
No, I'm sorry, but it's not. Ever. Apparently the pain is always there, and I told her that since she's never been to a doctor about any of this stuff she should go now, because it's important.

REGARDLESS.

I am very jealous. And I'm feeling very strange, and I've been having lots of dreams involving lots of sex, is that normal?
I have no doctors calling me, and I've called lots of times. So I'm just totally screwed, still. And I'm waiting on results from my OTHER tests. I'm hormonal and starting birth control again, and I want to have sex.

I need to post things when my brain is clearer than it is right now, sorry.

Vulvodynia, hold please.

The past few weeks, about a month and a half I guess, I noticed my legs were fatter than normal. Well, really, I was fatter than normal, I tacked it up to stress. One day while in the hospital with my mother and grandfather my mom pointed out that my ankles were literally hanging over my running shoes. Well, whatever I had other things on my mind so I ignored it.

Not too long later I noticed my socks were leaving really deep lines on my ankles, even my fuzzy non-elastic socks. Then I started having a hard time breathing, and I was peeing more than ever before (which is a lot). I phoned my doctor yesterday and went in this morning at 8:40. He checked my blood pressure and looked at my ankles, but since it was morning they were only a little puffy.

Then he felt under my rib cage on the right side, and when he poked it stung like a bee sting, but imagine it with a stinger that went through to your back. I thought it was mean what he did to me, but then when he did it on the left side it just felt like he poked me...weird. So he told me that he was concerned something is wrong with my liver. He gave me some pills to prevent wate retention and I can't stop peeing now...yay! He also sent me to have blood work - 4 viles - and an ECG test. You know, when they stick those little pads on you and clip things to them to monitor your heart?

After that I had a chest x-ray and on the 12th I'm having an abdominal ultrasound. Then I'm going back on the 14th. I'm so scared right now, and my right side of my body is in an unbelievable amount of pain ever since he poked it.

I feel like I just can't get a break, and all these thoughts are going through my mind: What if I have liver failure? What if I need a donor liver? What if I don't get one? What if my body rejects the new liver? What if I have congestive heart failure? What do I do?

I'm scared.

And to top off this day, when I got out of the car to go to my appointment...someone backed into the car, this is the SECOND time my boyfriend's car was backed into, in the SAME parking lot.

Let's hope 2010 is a good year.

My Burning Crotch is like a Nagging Mother

I've learned to tune it out.

My Grandfather passed away on the 8th. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and the saddest I have ever been. He was like a father to me, he WAS a father to me. I never went a day without him in my life, and he was there when my dad was sick in the hospital. He was there even when dad was here, because he lived with me my whole entire life.

I feel like such a baby right now, and not like in a "whiny baby" kind of way, just, I feel young.
My crotch is on fire about...oh 95% of my day. I quit my job - why - I'm depressed I guess.

My anxiety has hit me really hard, I feel like I can't breathe at all and every muscle in my neck/back hurt so bad I can tell you where every one is. I keep burping and I can't seem to stop yawning. It sucks.

On top of that, I haven't heard a DAMN THING from my gynecologist. She was supposedly referring me to some amaaazing specialist, but that was over a month ago and I still haven't heard anything. I asked her about it and she said I just had to be patient. Easy for her to say.

I just want someone who's older and wiser to take care of me. To come and give me a huge hug and explain how I'm going to get better, because right now I feel like things are so bad I may as well just not bother trying.

I wish my vagina worked, and I wish doctors listened to me.

I want to say more but I feel like there's no point because my words are falling on an empty audience. So why I'm trying to reach out I don't really know, because I feel like no one gives a damn about me. No one is helping me.

Sometimes nineteen year olds just need some help.

My laptop fell and shattered as well. I'm not trying to have a pity post but things just absolutely suck.

I need so many things to sort out and no matter how hard I attempt to pursue them, something or someone always seems to be holding me back.

Life Update

So here is my life in a quick little nutshell:

My Grandfather (who lived with me my entire life and pretty much was a father to me) had a massive stroke and is in the hospital, this is his third week.

I think I might have a kidney infection.

I just got hired at a gym and tomorrow is my first day.

My vagina has been on fire 24/7 for the last month.

It burns when I pee.

My dog has vaginitis.

She ate diabetes pills, and is now ok.

She is bleeding internally.


There's the quick version.

Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
And most of the time I think that if I did, it wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life.
Other than maybe my dog Penny's, because no one else loves her like I do.

I got a job, I'm a telerecruiter. I ask people to volunteer, and for the entire four hour shift I completely zone out of Natalie mode and become a cheery zombie.
I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up, a feeling I've often had since childhood.

I feel so weird, and just so sad. I just keep crying and thinking about every little thing that's made me sad in my life. Maybe having my period for a month and a week has something to do with my insanity at this time, and maybe having taken the pill that entire time and now going off of it has made it worse. And maybe wearing pads for that long that made my vagina feel like it was going to rub off of me which made me even more crazy.

Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane.

I could write forever and ever right now because my mind is racing with all my thoughts about my body that I want to turn in for a new one, but I'm so tired my fingers can't keep up.

I had a colonoscopy last Friday and I am sure that I will write about my experience when it's not 12:30 in the morning and I haven't been rushing around after a puppy all day.