Britney Spears rant turned into long, long, long, rant.

I wish I looked like Britney Spears. Tonight I am having a low self esteem night. Okay, it's been going on my entire life. I've lost a lot of weight but I still have cellulite, and fat rolls. I want to be somewhere around her fitness appearance. I can't work out like she can, but I can slowly work my way to her level.

Once a good male friend of mine told me Britney Spears was too skinny...he was offended when I pointed out that his girlfriend who is the same height as her, is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than Britney.

Anyway, my obsession with her is probably unhealthy. I remember one time my sister told me that my eyes remind her of Britney's and I was walking on air for at least an hour after that. I think she's hot. My boyfriend tells me I can't have a poster of her in my room because it's weird. I think he's worried about my body image. I have a really bad one, and I will admit that.

I exercised tonight, and it made me really mad. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I get overheated and I get that burn feeling...the burn feeling I told my gym teacher I didn't think was the "right" burn. Five years later I found out I was right.
I just want to be thin.
It's hard when you finally feel good about yourself, and then your gynecologist calls you fat. All the hard work, all the effort feels useless. I take my hits hard.
Really hard.

And then, I gained a bunch of weight and my pants don't fit. So I had to buy more pants. that are barely fitting, because I'm ballooning out.

THEN. Out of the blue, this guy pops up. Married. Baby. "Happy". And I'm in a "good stable relationship". But it was pretty crap. This guy, is a guy whom used to be my best friend, and there was always the possibility of more. I'm not getting into it. It just sucks when he sends me a picture of his baby and talks about his life.
I'm like, "sweet, I have vulvodynia, fibromyalgia, possibly endometriosis and I have a fear I can't have babies."

Only then he gets all sweet and understanding and tells me I am a woman and I always have been and will be. I'm the strongest one he knows and so on and so forth. So I get all warm and fuzzy inside because it's been ages since someone has taken the time to tell me what they actually think.

And then I feel guilty and like I'm doing something bad for my relationship with my boyfriend. But my boyfriend is weird lately and doesn't talk to me. I have no idea how to communicate with him, I'm actually afraid of talking to him because he's so grouchy all the time. His bad moods are running his and my life. It's not really fair to me. Especially since he won't tell me what's going on.

I always just assume it's because he's not getting any. Like, actually, we don't have sex. We don't do anything ever. It's probably that. Which makes me feel like I'm failing. He's supportive, he was supportive, but then things just get so weird. For the last week I've been socializing. A really great friend of mine, she and I have been reconnecting, it's been great. But I always feel held back by my boyfriend. He's okay with me going out, but it's so hard to because I feel bad leaving him at home alone. I also have a really bad sinus infection right now, so today I took a sick day. I stayed in my PJs all day. I didn't do my hair, I didn't put on makeup, I didn't take care of myself. He was good about it, he didn't call a ton to talk to me and check in with me, he just let me have my day. I guess he's been cluing in. I need space.

Sigh. There's more on my mind but this is long already. I'm really tired and I should just go to sleep.

Bowels, Cars and Crazy Drivers

Today I saw my gastroenterologist. It went pretty ok, we talked for a long time about the most random things. It was nice though, I felt like she actually cared about what I had to say. She told me she thinks I had "Functional Constipation" also commonly referred to as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Apparently they are different though.

I was prescribed a laxative called Lactulose, and I'm supposed to take it twice a day. If I don't notice a difference in the next week I'm supposed to stop. She also sent me for bloodwork because she said there is a chance it's Crohn's...I really hope not. The thing that's a drag is that I'm not going back to see her again until September 4. I hate how booked doctors get.

Anyway, so after the appointment I headed over to have my bloodwork done. I suck with needles. Like, it's almost pathetic how bad I am with needles. Oh, she said that if everything comes back normal I should get a celiac test, but it's not covered by OHIP so I need to pay 60 dollars for it...bleh. Continuing on, I got to the clinic to have my needle and tried so hard not to think about it. But my anxiety level rose drastically.

By the time I got in the chair I already felt naucious, and started to shake. My dear boyfriend was there for me the entire time, holding my hand and telling me I was fine. So the needle went in and I took my deep breaths, only the room started to go white. And it just got whiter and whiter until I said, "I'm passing out!" and the nurse and my boyfriend said, "no you're fine..." then I couldn't hear anything.

I definatly went out for a split second and came back to. They gave me juice and showed me they took six um, whatever the things the blood goes in are called, of me. Which was a bad idea, because then the room went white again and my ears started to ring. I was alright though, I think I sat there for about twenty minutes just trying to calm down.

So after my rest I got the the car, and I felt just awful like I always do after blood work. I reclined my seat and asked my boyfriend to take me home, but the parking lot we were in was really tight and hard to get around so we had to wait for someone to back up. I was falling asleep and all I heard was my boyfriend say, "holy woman, just let her finish backing up!" and then it felt like something hit the car. Probably because something DID hit the car.

It was the woman backing up, she was an older lady, but she seemed really healthy and fine to me. So she got out of her car to see the damage and honestly, if she had hit us and driven away we wouldn't have known had we not been in the car. So we were saying it was fine just about to exchange information when Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver gets out of her van and starts yelling at the old lady saying, "You should NOT be driving! You are TOO OLD!"

Now, here is how this happened, she kept driving forward to take the spot the old lady was backing out from. If the old lady hadn't backed into us Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver would have smashed into the old lady. OK, it's probably not right, but I blame Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver for this.
So, me, tired, sore, and bloodless, opened my car door, stood up and yelled, "SHUT UP! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Then Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver gives me a dirty look and starts talking about her 82 year old dad who lost his license, or something I don't know. It was annoying me, because I felt she was just as much to blame, and I was MAD. So I screamed, in the angriest, loudest, meanest voice I have (and I'm a yeller to begin with) "SHUUUUUUUT UP!!!!!!!!"

She swore at me. Then went and got her two babies out of her van and walked away.

In hindsight I realize I was a little insane. But at the time I had no problem with how I dealt with her. I told the old lady I wouldn't yell at her at all because it was an honest accident.

I think I need a vacation though, I was out of hand and I admit it.

Ouchie

My clit hurts. A lot.

It's been throbbing on and off for about 24 hours, I tried icing it and it kind of...went wrong.
I could really go for a brand new body.

Or a brand new doctor.

I'm seeing a gastroenterologist on Wednesday, slightly pumped. Slightly nervous. We'll see how it goes.