Britney Spears rant turned into long, long, long, rant.

I wish I looked like Britney Spears. Tonight I am having a low self esteem night. Okay, it's been going on my entire life. I've lost a lot of weight but I still have cellulite, and fat rolls. I want to be somewhere around her fitness appearance. I can't work out like she can, but I can slowly work my way to her level.

Once a good male friend of mine told me Britney Spears was too skinny...he was offended when I pointed out that his girlfriend who is the same height as her, is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than Britney.

Anyway, my obsession with her is probably unhealthy. I remember one time my sister told me that my eyes remind her of Britney's and I was walking on air for at least an hour after that. I think she's hot. My boyfriend tells me I can't have a poster of her in my room because it's weird. I think he's worried about my body image. I have a really bad one, and I will admit that.

I exercised tonight, and it made me really mad. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I get overheated and I get that burn feeling...the burn feeling I told my gym teacher I didn't think was the "right" burn. Five years later I found out I was right.
I just want to be thin.
It's hard when you finally feel good about yourself, and then your gynecologist calls you fat. All the hard work, all the effort feels useless. I take my hits hard.
Really hard.

And then, I gained a bunch of weight and my pants don't fit. So I had to buy more pants. that are barely fitting, because I'm ballooning out.

THEN. Out of the blue, this guy pops up. Married. Baby. "Happy". And I'm in a "good stable relationship". But it was pretty crap. This guy, is a guy whom used to be my best friend, and there was always the possibility of more. I'm not getting into it. It just sucks when he sends me a picture of his baby and talks about his life.
I'm like, "sweet, I have vulvodynia, fibromyalgia, possibly endometriosis and I have a fear I can't have babies."

Only then he gets all sweet and understanding and tells me I am a woman and I always have been and will be. I'm the strongest one he knows and so on and so forth. So I get all warm and fuzzy inside because it's been ages since someone has taken the time to tell me what they actually think.

And then I feel guilty and like I'm doing something bad for my relationship with my boyfriend. But my boyfriend is weird lately and doesn't talk to me. I have no idea how to communicate with him, I'm actually afraid of talking to him because he's so grouchy all the time. His bad moods are running his and my life. It's not really fair to me. Especially since he won't tell me what's going on.

I always just assume it's because he's not getting any. Like, actually, we don't have sex. We don't do anything ever. It's probably that. Which makes me feel like I'm failing. He's supportive, he was supportive, but then things just get so weird. For the last week I've been socializing. A really great friend of mine, she and I have been reconnecting, it's been great. But I always feel held back by my boyfriend. He's okay with me going out, but it's so hard to because I feel bad leaving him at home alone. I also have a really bad sinus infection right now, so today I took a sick day. I stayed in my PJs all day. I didn't do my hair, I didn't put on makeup, I didn't take care of myself. He was good about it, he didn't call a ton to talk to me and check in with me, he just let me have my day. I guess he's been cluing in. I need space.

Sigh. There's more on my mind but this is long already. I'm really tired and I should just go to sleep.