I don't even know how many times I've come on this page to start writing, and then just closed it. It feels like my brain turns to liquid and drains out. I really want someone to help me, I feel like I'm going to drown. Life is not supposed to be this miserable, it's supposed to be good with a little bit of miserable.
I just want to know when I'm going to be happy. That's all.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
I give in
Have you ever wanted to pour your soul out but didn't know where to begin?
Because that's how I feel right now. I thought after I stopped blogging things were going to get better in my life, but it seems they've taken a turn for the worse...again. So here's how I'm going to do this:
I'm feeling:
lonely
lost
scared
hurt
angry
worried
disgusted
determined
sad
worthless
insignificant
Here is what has happened:
I don't really remember the time line for any of this stuff, so sorry if it's out of order.
My good friend who used to live with me, and was part of the family, has stopped talking to me all together. Long story short: she started having sex with this guy who gave her mono, I told her I didn't think he was a good guy and to be careful, she got mad. They were having unprotected sex, and I told her that she shouldn't get pregnant since she can't afford a baby, and that STDs are real. She got mad at me. I told her I was going to support her in her decisions, as long as she was careful, and she stopped talking to me. She lived with another one of my good friends, and I have a feeling that a lot of petty gossip went on in that house.
She also worked with another "friend", and by friend I mean person whom I try not to have problems with because she's insane and obsessed with me to a level that makes me uncomfortable. That person ran their mouth as well. I don't know the full story, but she definitely treated me badly and then just ran like the wind.
Then, my grandmother had a stroke, this was her second. She's still alive (praise the Lord) and fortunately not TOO much changed. It's just made life a little more complicated. A complicated people my age don't seem to understand. I can't just jump up and go, I can't just take off for a weekend. I don't know what that's so hard to understand.
THEN...this is a biggie. My boyfriend's brother got arrested the day after his birthday. He apparently was being monitored by TWO different sex crime units, and was caught for possession and distribution of child pornography. I can't handle it. It's completely torn me to pieces. I was never close with him, nor was my boyfriend, and to be honest it was because he was always distant. I wonder why...
It's really taken a toll on me, it CONSUMES me. All I seem to think about, is what his brother has done. No one seems to understand why, they tell me I'm insane. They tell me that I need to be there and help support my boyfriend's family, which would make sense, if I didn't feel they were supporting the wrong his brother did.
It's too upsetting right now to even talk about, it's just making me get acid reflux and cry. Anyway, that's all I'm going to write now. I know I said I didn't know if I'd be back, but I'm back. I'm back because I feel like maybe people here won't prejudge me, and they'll understand where I'm coming from. Maybe here people won't "need me" to be strong for them, and ask me to push my problems to the side.
I just feel so...displaced.
Because that's how I feel right now. I thought after I stopped blogging things were going to get better in my life, but it seems they've taken a turn for the worse...again. So here's how I'm going to do this:
I'm feeling:
lonely
lost
scared
hurt
angry
worried
disgusted
determined
sad
worthless
insignificant
Here is what has happened:
I don't really remember the time line for any of this stuff, so sorry if it's out of order.
My good friend who used to live with me, and was part of the family, has stopped talking to me all together. Long story short: she started having sex with this guy who gave her mono, I told her I didn't think he was a good guy and to be careful, she got mad. They were having unprotected sex, and I told her that she shouldn't get pregnant since she can't afford a baby, and that STDs are real. She got mad at me. I told her I was going to support her in her decisions, as long as she was careful, and she stopped talking to me. She lived with another one of my good friends, and I have a feeling that a lot of petty gossip went on in that house.
She also worked with another "friend", and by friend I mean person whom I try not to have problems with because she's insane and obsessed with me to a level that makes me uncomfortable. That person ran their mouth as well. I don't know the full story, but she definitely treated me badly and then just ran like the wind.
Then, my grandmother had a stroke, this was her second. She's still alive (praise the Lord) and fortunately not TOO much changed. It's just made life a little more complicated. A complicated people my age don't seem to understand. I can't just jump up and go, I can't just take off for a weekend. I don't know what that's so hard to understand.
THEN...this is a biggie. My boyfriend's brother got arrested the day after his birthday. He apparently was being monitored by TWO different sex crime units, and was caught for possession and distribution of child pornography. I can't handle it. It's completely torn me to pieces. I was never close with him, nor was my boyfriend, and to be honest it was because he was always distant. I wonder why...
It's really taken a toll on me, it CONSUMES me. All I seem to think about, is what his brother has done. No one seems to understand why, they tell me I'm insane. They tell me that I need to be there and help support my boyfriend's family, which would make sense, if I didn't feel they were supporting the wrong his brother did.
It's too upsetting right now to even talk about, it's just making me get acid reflux and cry. Anyway, that's all I'm going to write now. I know I said I didn't know if I'd be back, but I'm back. I'm back because I feel like maybe people here won't prejudge me, and they'll understand where I'm coming from. Maybe here people won't "need me" to be strong for them, and ask me to push my problems to the side.
I just feel so...displaced.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)