Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
And most of the time I think that if I did, it wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life.
Other than maybe my dog Penny's, because no one else loves her like I do.

I got a job, I'm a telerecruiter. I ask people to volunteer, and for the entire four hour shift I completely zone out of Natalie mode and become a cheery zombie.
I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up, a feeling I've often had since childhood.

I feel so weird, and just so sad. I just keep crying and thinking about every little thing that's made me sad in my life. Maybe having my period for a month and a week has something to do with my insanity at this time, and maybe having taken the pill that entire time and now going off of it has made it worse. And maybe wearing pads for that long that made my vagina feel like it was going to rub off of me which made me even more crazy.

Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane.

I could write forever and ever right now because my mind is racing with all my thoughts about my body that I want to turn in for a new one, but I'm so tired my fingers can't keep up.

I had a colonoscopy last Friday and I am sure that I will write about my experience when it's not 12:30 in the morning and I haven't been rushing around after a puppy all day.