Sometimes Life Happens

Life, it's just a big long series of events. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. My eyes are so tired and my brain is functioning at about the same capacity as it would if I were three or four glasses of wine in. I just don't FEEL like I'm three of four glasses of wine in. In fact, I feel like I've run a marathon and then decided that going to the gym afterward was a good idea and that eating a big meal of pasta and garlic bread was a great way to end off my evening.

But I haven't done any of that. I've had no wine, I've run not marathons, I certainly have not gone to the gym and I did eat a big meal, but it wasn't pasta and garlic bread. My money is on the Epival, or if you want to be fancy, Apo-Divalproex. Or the cold. Or my MS. Or the fact that I can't seem to get a grip on my life and everything makes me sad, or angry, or scared, or too happy.

Emotions, they're here and there and everywhere. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. Mine, they're usually great or horrible, and very, very rarely, in the middle. Somehow, I don't know how, I've made it this far. I have barely made it to twenty-four. And somehow, I went to college, and graduated, and did well. And somehow, I have entered into a post-graduate program (we'll see about the success here). And somehow I got an internship at a great place. And somehow I got a job in the industry I went to school for. And somehow they want to keep me there and are going out of their way to try to hire me for a new position. And somehow, I can't deal with it.

My thoughts rush through my mind, and I feel like I'm losing a battle within myself. I am a capable human, I am capable of living in this world and achieving things that other people can achieve. I know I am, because I have proven to myself that I am capable by accomplishing things. I always have to battle myself on everything that I do. Like there's this one side of me - logical, and able to see things for what they really are. Then, there's the crazy side of me - a constant swing of happy, sad, angry, confused, lethargic, ambitious, procrastinating, etc., etc. The logical side watches the crazy side make decisions and do things, all the while saying, "NO! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" or, "Wow, that was really responsible and I am proud of you."

My mind is a never ending battle of who I am. Who am I? Sylvia Plath said it great, "I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don't ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?" Where do I fall in the grand scheme of things? What do I really believe? What do I really stand for?

And at the end of the day, I couldn't tell you. I am so unwell. I am so very unwell. 

Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
And most of the time I think that if I did, it wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life.
Other than maybe my dog Penny's, because no one else loves her like I do.

I got a job, I'm a telerecruiter. I ask people to volunteer, and for the entire four hour shift I completely zone out of Natalie mode and become a cheery zombie.
I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up, a feeling I've often had since childhood.

I feel so weird, and just so sad. I just keep crying and thinking about every little thing that's made me sad in my life. Maybe having my period for a month and a week has something to do with my insanity at this time, and maybe having taken the pill that entire time and now going off of it has made it worse. And maybe wearing pads for that long that made my vagina feel like it was going to rub off of me which made me even more crazy.

Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane.

I could write forever and ever right now because my mind is racing with all my thoughts about my body that I want to turn in for a new one, but I'm so tired my fingers can't keep up.

I had a colonoscopy last Friday and I am sure that I will write about my experience when it's not 12:30 in the morning and I haven't been rushing around after a puppy all day.