Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
And most of the time I think that if I did, it wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life.
Other than maybe my dog Penny's, because no one else loves her like I do.
I got a job, I'm a telerecruiter. I ask people to volunteer, and for the entire four hour shift I completely zone out of Natalie mode and become a cheery zombie.
I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up, a feeling I've often had since childhood.
I feel so weird, and just so sad. I just keep crying and thinking about every little thing that's made me sad in my life. Maybe having my period for a month and a week has something to do with my insanity at this time, and maybe having taken the pill that entire time and now going off of it has made it worse. And maybe wearing pads for that long that made my vagina feel like it was going to rub off of me which made me even more crazy.
Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane.
I could write forever and ever right now because my mind is racing with all my thoughts about my body that I want to turn in for a new one, but I'm so tired my fingers can't keep up.
I had a colonoscopy last Friday and I am sure that I will write about my experience when it's not 12:30 in the morning and I haven't been rushing around after a puppy all day.
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry to hear you sounding so despondent. I have lived with chronic illness for 27 years now and I have definitely had times where I was as miserable as you sound. I would encourage you to get whatever help you might need to deal with your feelings. You tagged this post with "depression". I'm no doctor but I can see why you coded it that way. You sound very down. I'm so sorry! To have a job that forces cheerfulness when you are feeling so down must be challenging and draining. I’ve worked those “cheerful jobs” at times when I felt anything but cheerful and it’s not easy. I don’t know about you... but for me forcing cheer takes a toll on me. Having such a long period can’t be helping matters any. I once had a very long period (let’s just say it was long enough that I fear that telling you about it might only make you feel worse than you already do) and I know how draining it was for me. I don’t know how long you were taking the pill continuously but I know when I stopped continuous birth control pills many years ago, I went through some “paybacks” once I stopped. I have vulvodynia as well and I know that long periods with pads can definitely worsen pain. I’m so sorry for your pain. From 1992-2008, I participated in endometriosis support groups (in-person/local). In that time I met many women with not just endometriosis but also vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, fibromyalgia, and other chronic conditions. Since I started my blog in 2008, I have “met” still more chronic illness/chronic pain patients with the above conditions and many others. I can honestly tell you that I have encountered many women who felt like they were going insane at one time or another. Chronic illness/pain can be associated with such frightening feelings. Be sure to discuss just how much you are suffering with your doctor. If your doctor isn’t taking you seriously, it might be worth looking for another doctor/getting a second opinion. I have an ongoing sick joke where I ask my husband if he’s taken any calls regarding my place on the waiting list for body transplants. (Sometimes gallows humor helps in our house). Like you, there are times I feel like I could really use a whole new body. I could also relate to your description of your mind racing faster than your fingers can type. This happens to me every day. Literally. My fingers don’t ever seem to be able to keep up with my brain and it can be very frustrating. On top of everything else you just had a colonoscopy? Oh, you poor thing! If you read my post from last April about my colonoscopy, you’ll see that I can empathize with you there. I’ve had 4 colonoscopies and during one of my surgeries I actually had a foot of my colon removed. This last colonoscopy was to try to determine the reason for cyclical rectal bleeding (rectal bleeding before and during my period every cycle... but never at any other time of the month). When I read a post like this one, it makes me long for the in-person support group days when I could give the person a big hug. In this case, a virtual hug for you will have to do but it’s no less heartfelt. While your post is fairly short, you’ve covered a lot of territory and it is clear that you are really suffering. While I don’t have any magic answers for you and only know a bit about your situation, I’m going to share some of the things that have helped me because I have lived with chronic illnesses for 27 years now. Not everything here will be practical or possible for you... some cost more/less money than others. Some are totally free but that does not mean they can’t be powerful and very helpful. I figure, though, it can’t hurt to share some ideas because you are hurting. My reply won’t fit due to Blogger’s character limitations so see part two behind this…
Jeanne
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteOK. Here’s part 2:
* Music. Everyone’s idea of healing/relaxing music is different. When I am in the most pain, feeling my sickest, and (yes) feeling like I’m going insane... music helps me greatly. Sometimes it’s the beat of the music. Sometimes it’s the lyrics (it’s amazing how comforting song lyrics can be). Sometimes it’s the memories (maybe memories of listening to music that was playing at a happier time prior or memories from going to a live concert). Sometimes it the overall sound. Sometimes, music is very helpful when I can’t get to sleep.
* Heat or cold. I personally have always found heat most helpful for my endo pain but I’ve met patients who find ice helpful for endo pain. Everyone’s different. What works best for one person is different than what works for another. What works great for me one day might not help at all another. One of the challenges I have found with chronic illness, especially when there are multiple illnesses present is that there is no “formula” that reliably works. Often trial and error is necessary to find what works best for my body at a given time. This can be a frustrating process but the effort is worth it because it enables you to get to know what works best for your body.
* Acupuncture. Many years after this was first suggested to me, I finally tried it. I SHOULD HAVE TRIED IT SOONER! It is amazing. I can’t say enough about it. It’s so awesome. I have blogged about acupuncture and talked about it on video too. (Just click the YouTube button on the top right of my blog to see videos).
* Progressive muscle relaxation. I used to listen to a tape that helped with doing these muscle exercises and it helped me fall asleep.
* Meditation. This can be really, really helpful for pain management and dealing with stress. I took classes on it from my acupuncturist. Many people find this a powerful tool for managing their chronic illnesses.
* Therapy. It can be extremely helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist who is trained to help patients cope with chronic illness. There are therapists with special training in gynecological disorders, for example. Not only does it provide a sounding board but a source of coping mechanisms to get through the rough times.
I’m truly sorry that you are feeling so badly. I can hear the pain in your writing. Having been in some pretty dark places myself over the years, I can really empathize. I hope you get some relief soon. I would keep pressure on your primary care physician (I think you call them GPs in Canada?) about getting you the referral or referrals you need to the specialist(s) you need to see to get some much-needed relief. Many gynecologists are ill-equipped to treat vulvodynia. If you can see a pelvic pain specialist who specializes in vulvar pain that would probably be your best bet at obtaining some relief. You can try seeing if the International Pelvic Pain Society can steer you towards a qualified specialist in your area. Hang in there!
Take care,
Jeanne
P.S. I saw your other post and, no, you don’t want your recently obtained drinking age to add to your problems. With everything you already have going on, you don’t want to add to your troubles. Trust me, your body will not appreciate the drinks. I’m 40 years old and I don’t drink at all. I have enough problems without bringing that into the picture.
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteThinking about you...
Jeanne
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sending positive energy your way.
Jeanne
Hey Jeanne, thank you so so so much for you encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteI didn't ignore you, just blogger in general. I've been so sad lately that I couldn't will myself to come on, then my Grandfather had a stroke and everything when awry. You really made my day when I found your comments though, it made me feel a lot better. Things are still really hard here though, but your tips are very helpful.
Thank you so much!
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