Sometimes Life Happens

Life, it's just a big long series of events. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. My eyes are so tired and my brain is functioning at about the same capacity as it would if I were three or four glasses of wine in. I just don't FEEL like I'm three of four glasses of wine in. In fact, I feel like I've run a marathon and then decided that going to the gym afterward was a good idea and that eating a big meal of pasta and garlic bread was a great way to end off my evening.

But I haven't done any of that. I've had no wine, I've run not marathons, I certainly have not gone to the gym and I did eat a big meal, but it wasn't pasta and garlic bread. My money is on the Epival, or if you want to be fancy, Apo-Divalproex. Or the cold. Or my MS. Or the fact that I can't seem to get a grip on my life and everything makes me sad, or angry, or scared, or too happy.

Emotions, they're here and there and everywhere. Some are great, some are horrible, and the rest fall somewhere in the middle. Mine, they're usually great or horrible, and very, very rarely, in the middle. Somehow, I don't know how, I've made it this far. I have barely made it to twenty-four. And somehow, I went to college, and graduated, and did well. And somehow, I have entered into a post-graduate program (we'll see about the success here). And somehow I got an internship at a great place. And somehow I got a job in the industry I went to school for. And somehow they want to keep me there and are going out of their way to try to hire me for a new position. And somehow, I can't deal with it.

My thoughts rush through my mind, and I feel like I'm losing a battle within myself. I am a capable human, I am capable of living in this world and achieving things that other people can achieve. I know I am, because I have proven to myself that I am capable by accomplishing things. I always have to battle myself on everything that I do. Like there's this one side of me - logical, and able to see things for what they really are. Then, there's the crazy side of me - a constant swing of happy, sad, angry, confused, lethargic, ambitious, procrastinating, etc., etc. The logical side watches the crazy side make decisions and do things, all the while saying, "NO! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" or, "Wow, that was really responsible and I am proud of you."

My mind is a never ending battle of who I am. Who am I? Sylvia Plath said it great, "I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don't ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?" Where do I fall in the grand scheme of things? What do I really believe? What do I really stand for?

And at the end of the day, I couldn't tell you. I am so unwell. I am so very unwell. 

Vulvodynia, hold please.

The past few weeks, about a month and a half I guess, I noticed my legs were fatter than normal. Well, really, I was fatter than normal, I tacked it up to stress. One day while in the hospital with my mother and grandfather my mom pointed out that my ankles were literally hanging over my running shoes. Well, whatever I had other things on my mind so I ignored it.

Not too long later I noticed my socks were leaving really deep lines on my ankles, even my fuzzy non-elastic socks. Then I started having a hard time breathing, and I was peeing more than ever before (which is a lot). I phoned my doctor yesterday and went in this morning at 8:40. He checked my blood pressure and looked at my ankles, but since it was morning they were only a little puffy.

Then he felt under my rib cage on the right side, and when he poked it stung like a bee sting, but imagine it with a stinger that went through to your back. I thought it was mean what he did to me, but then when he did it on the left side it just felt like he poked me...weird. So he told me that he was concerned something is wrong with my liver. He gave me some pills to prevent wate retention and I can't stop peeing now...yay! He also sent me to have blood work - 4 viles - and an ECG test. You know, when they stick those little pads on you and clip things to them to monitor your heart?

After that I had a chest x-ray and on the 12th I'm having an abdominal ultrasound. Then I'm going back on the 14th. I'm so scared right now, and my right side of my body is in an unbelievable amount of pain ever since he poked it.

I feel like I just can't get a break, and all these thoughts are going through my mind: What if I have liver failure? What if I need a donor liver? What if I don't get one? What if my body rejects the new liver? What if I have congestive heart failure? What do I do?

I'm scared.

And to top off this day, when I got out of the car to go to my appointment...someone backed into the car, this is the SECOND time my boyfriend's car was backed into, in the SAME parking lot.

Let's hope 2010 is a good year.