Vulvodynia, hold please.

The past few weeks, about a month and a half I guess, I noticed my legs were fatter than normal. Well, really, I was fatter than normal, I tacked it up to stress. One day while in the hospital with my mother and grandfather my mom pointed out that my ankles were literally hanging over my running shoes. Well, whatever I had other things on my mind so I ignored it.

Not too long later I noticed my socks were leaving really deep lines on my ankles, even my fuzzy non-elastic socks. Then I started having a hard time breathing, and I was peeing more than ever before (which is a lot). I phoned my doctor yesterday and went in this morning at 8:40. He checked my blood pressure and looked at my ankles, but since it was morning they were only a little puffy.

Then he felt under my rib cage on the right side, and when he poked it stung like a bee sting, but imagine it with a stinger that went through to your back. I thought it was mean what he did to me, but then when he did it on the left side it just felt like he poked me...weird. So he told me that he was concerned something is wrong with my liver. He gave me some pills to prevent wate retention and I can't stop peeing now...yay! He also sent me to have blood work - 4 viles - and an ECG test. You know, when they stick those little pads on you and clip things to them to monitor your heart?

After that I had a chest x-ray and on the 12th I'm having an abdominal ultrasound. Then I'm going back on the 14th. I'm so scared right now, and my right side of my body is in an unbelievable amount of pain ever since he poked it.

I feel like I just can't get a break, and all these thoughts are going through my mind: What if I have liver failure? What if I need a donor liver? What if I don't get one? What if my body rejects the new liver? What if I have congestive heart failure? What do I do?

I'm scared.

And to top off this day, when I got out of the car to go to my appointment...someone backed into the car, this is the SECOND time my boyfriend's car was backed into, in the SAME parking lot.

Let's hope 2010 is a good year.

My Burning Crotch is like a Nagging Mother

I've learned to tune it out.

My Grandfather passed away on the 8th. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and the saddest I have ever been. He was like a father to me, he WAS a father to me. I never went a day without him in my life, and he was there when my dad was sick in the hospital. He was there even when dad was here, because he lived with me my whole entire life.

I feel like such a baby right now, and not like in a "whiny baby" kind of way, just, I feel young.
My crotch is on fire about...oh 95% of my day. I quit my job - why - I'm depressed I guess.

My anxiety has hit me really hard, I feel like I can't breathe at all and every muscle in my neck/back hurt so bad I can tell you where every one is. I keep burping and I can't seem to stop yawning. It sucks.

On top of that, I haven't heard a DAMN THING from my gynecologist. She was supposedly referring me to some amaaazing specialist, but that was over a month ago and I still haven't heard anything. I asked her about it and she said I just had to be patient. Easy for her to say.

I just want someone who's older and wiser to take care of me. To come and give me a huge hug and explain how I'm going to get better, because right now I feel like things are so bad I may as well just not bother trying.

I wish my vagina worked, and I wish doctors listened to me.

I want to say more but I feel like there's no point because my words are falling on an empty audience. So why I'm trying to reach out I don't really know, because I feel like no one gives a damn about me. No one is helping me.

Sometimes nineteen year olds just need some help.

My laptop fell and shattered as well. I'm not trying to have a pity post but things just absolutely suck.

I need so many things to sort out and no matter how hard I attempt to pursue them, something or someone always seems to be holding me back.