Please...

I don't even know how many times I've come on this page to start writing, and then just closed it. It feels like my brain turns to liquid and drains out. I really want someone to help me, I feel like I'm going to drown. Life is not supposed to be this miserable, it's supposed to be good with a little bit of miserable.

I just want to know when I'm going to be happy. That's all.

I give in

Have you ever wanted to pour your soul out but didn't know where to begin?

Because that's how I feel right now. I thought after I stopped blogging things were going to get better in my life, but it seems they've taken a turn for the worse...again. So here's how I'm going to do this:

I'm feeling:
lonely
lost
scared
hurt
angry
worried
disgusted
determined
sad
worthless
insignificant


Here is what has happened:
I don't really remember the time line for any of this stuff, so sorry if it's out of order.

My good friend who used to live with me, and was part of the family, has stopped talking to me all together. Long story short: she started having sex with this guy who gave her mono, I told her I didn't think he was a good guy and to be careful, she got mad. They were having unprotected sex, and I told her that she shouldn't get pregnant since she can't afford a baby, and that STDs are real. She got mad at me. I told her I was going to support her in her decisions, as long as she was careful, and she stopped talking to me. She lived with another one of my good friends, and I have a feeling that a lot of petty gossip went on in that house.
She also worked with another "friend", and by friend I mean person whom I try not to have problems with because she's insane and obsessed with me to a level that makes me uncomfortable. That person ran their mouth as well. I don't know the full story, but she definitely treated me badly and then just ran like the wind.

Then, my grandmother had a stroke, this was her second. She's still alive (praise the Lord) and fortunately not TOO much changed. It's just made life a little more complicated. A complicated people my age don't seem to understand. I can't just jump up and go, I can't just take off for a weekend. I don't know what that's so hard to understand.

THEN...this is a biggie. My boyfriend's brother got arrested the day after his birthday. He apparently was being monitored by TWO different sex crime units, and was caught for possession and distribution of child pornography. I can't handle it. It's completely torn me to pieces. I was never close with him, nor was my boyfriend, and to be honest it was because he was always distant. I wonder why...

It's really taken a toll on me, it CONSUMES me. All I seem to think about, is what his brother has done. No one seems to understand why, they tell me I'm insane. They tell me that I need to be there and help support my boyfriend's family, which would make sense, if I didn't feel they were supporting the wrong his brother did.

It's too upsetting right now to even talk about, it's just making me get acid reflux and cry. Anyway, that's all I'm going to write now. I know I said I didn't know if I'd be back, but I'm back. I'm back because I feel like maybe people here won't prejudge me, and they'll understand where I'm coming from. Maybe here people won't "need me" to be strong for them, and ask me to push my problems to the side.

I just feel so...displaced.

If You See Natalie

"If You See Natalie" - Eels

If you see natalie
Send along this message
I know that you've been through
An awful lot of late

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

Friends and fortunetellers
They all say you're gonna die
If you don't brighten up
You know you gotta try

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

If you see natalie
Send along this message
You may not need this world
But this world needs you here

Girl,
Steady the trembling hand
That's what you do
Girl,
Steady your trembling hands
Then see what's in front of you

You might not feel it now
But you're gonna get there
And see it somehow
Youre gonna be alright, girl



Peace out. I don't know if I'll be back on blogger or not.

This Post is too Long, Sorry...

Being 19 is like, being a baby.
I feel so small and little, I feel so young and scared.
The world is such a big place, such a big scary place full of lots of people, and the more I venture into it, the more I feel like I'm just another number, another piece of the earth that no one will really ever notice or care to fix. I just want to feel normal.

I went to Niagara Falls in May, on Victoria Day weekend. I went with my boyfriend. I left Ontario for the first time in my whole entire life. I went to Buffalo! We shopped, I got a dress for his cousin's wedding that was the following weekend. It was actually fantastic. We had a hotel (on the Canadian side), we ate at Applebee's, we did some of the stuff like wax museums and whatnot. It was good, our relationship has been great since. I know, it's been like three weeks. Regardless, I never knew how badly I needed a trip. A vacation to just, unwind. There was no stress, there was no worry. I didn't have any responsibility.

I was still in pain. Lots of pain. I woke up all through the night with hip pain, but fortunately I had someone to massage me back to sleep, which was nice for a change. But after the trip, I've been having horrible leg cramping, the veins in my legs, especially calves, are really noticeable, almost varicose. I have tons of spider veins as well, and if you even lightly touch them it hurts. I've been getting headaches and when I walk I feel like I can't pick my feet up high enough off the ground, which makes me trip.

Before I went away, I was walking home with the kids from a convenience store carrying a soda bottle, my hand just released it and the bottle shattered everywhere. Fortunately I was the only one who got a tiny cut from the glass, but it scares me that I did it. My joints are starting to swell at night, and sometimes I can't type at all. My Fingers ache and stiffen up in the cold, my ankles, knees, hips, lower back, shoulder blades, elbows, neck, you name it, ache and creek and crack. I don't really know what's going on, sometimes I can't straighten my fingers because it hurts so badly, and my wrists are doing the same thing.

I went to the hospital on the 2nd and had a trans-esophageal echo cardiogram done. Er - was supposed to have done. Apparently the drugs they used on me made me very emotional and anxious. All I remember was extreme pain in the back of my throat and coughing. When I woke up my dad was there - which made me freak out more because he wasn't even supposed to be at the hospital that day - holding my hand. They said I told them my throat felt like it was closing and just kept crying. The doctor said that from the three other echos I have had done, the hole is very tiny and this test is not urgent. The only thing is that I need to tell a doctor that I have a hole in my heart when I try to get pregnant, and when I have babies they need to have echos done of their hearts at birth.

But I'm never having babies because I have vulvodynia and I'm never getting better from that so I can't ever have sex because if I want to it makes me hurt so bad I can't do anything but lay down with a wine bottle between my legs and sob. Yeah, we went back to the Falls for a night after driving a friend to the Buffalo airport, and things went awry. Long story short, that's how my night ended, wine bottle between legs, lots of tears, and a boy who just doesn't seem to understand no matter how hard he tries to.

And you wanna know something? (probably not) I wake up every day, I get ready, I go to work, I sit in my chair and do my job, I come home, and I make supper. I try to take care of my dog, I help with my grandmother, I try to do the best that I can. But sometimes I just want someone to do it all for me, because I drop everything, and it hurts to do anything. And he, like everyone else in my life, just doesn't understand the difficulties of my day to day life. Like, I feel that everyone thinks I'm making this stuff up. I'm constantly asked to do things that I can't always do, I take it from minute to minute.

And sometimes, gosh darndit, I need a break. I need someone to plan and DO everything for me. I would love to take a mini road trip, just a weekend, like for the Falls again, only drive out to the middle of nowhere, somewhere near a lake. Just drive around, look at some cute little towns, explore, stay in a cozy hotel for a night or two, and come back home. But I don't want to plan the whole thing. The whole point would be so that I don't need to think.

Can you tell there's a lot on my mind? I don't have my ultrasound until JULY and my CT scan isn't until the end of this month. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow about my new symptoms, and my goal for 2010 is to get a full, proper diagnosis of what is wrong with me. I know it's June, but that's my resolution.

I will have every test possible done until we come to a conclusion. But for this month, I'm personally leaning toward lupus. I know it was "ruled out" two years ago, but after everyone I've been talking to, and the fact that I tested positive, even if it was at the low end, I'm thinking this might be it.

Now my battery is dying and this is a million years long. So I will talk to you all later, and I wish I could talk to you all face to face.

Love,
Natalie

What the fuck?

How come I can get a CT in a month for my sinuses, but when it comes to my liver function I never hear back?

Health Update because life hasn't been giving me time to breathe:

I might have liver failure. Maybe. Or my gallbladder is forming invisible stones.

I saw the GI specialist, she did a scope down my throat, as far as I know they didn't find anything. I'm having another nuclear medicine test, this time on my liver and gallbladder. My liver enzymes are out of whack, and the pain below my ribcage is worse than ever. I also am going to have a doppler ultrasound. My deviated septum seems to have gotten worse and it inflicting pain on me during my days. My doctor is sending me to have a CT scan done, and then we decide if I need surgery or not.

My boyfriend and I are going through the hardest time of our lives. I can't even begin to explain it, but his addiction problem has gone through the roof. It's very difficult to deal with things in my life right now as I feel horrible all the time. I don't have any support from anyone directly in my life at this moment, other than one friend who just doesn't completely get it, but she tries and it helps a tiny bit.

As for my vulvodynia: that'll just have to wait a few...months or years or something. Because it's not a priority, and although I cry about it daily, no one really seems to understand my pain.


AND I got to wear a holter monitor, and I got a horrid rash that won't go away.

There.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I don't comment, and I don't email, and I don't seem to keep up. I always read your blogs, I do. I just don't comment. And there's so much bursting inside me, that I haven't a soul to talk to, and it hurts so badly.

And all I do is write poems and listen to sad music and cry all day.

So this is what I have, I called it flsajgakyt or something stupid because I was angry.

As the words float by me I can see where this is going.
I can almost touch them and their baneful way
I feel as though I'm drifting out to sea
And the power of this pain, oh it's taken over me

I don't want to lay down and die
but as the days drag on, I'm losing the want to try

I'm a one in fifteen - or something like that -
so tell me, where the heck am I at?
Why is there is no cure?

Why is there no help?
Why is it that I can never get out?

Each day drags on, a new symptom found
And I feel as though I am one with the ground.

I cannot sit, and I cannot stand,
I cannot run, I cannot ride,
I may as well just lay down and die.

And the pain sears through me,
but I have no choice
I'm only one person,
with a very small voice

I Can't Keep Going

I just can't take this.
Everything. Just. Sucks.


I've never hurt like this before. I don't like growing up. I just want someone...someone to talk to. I can't make decisions, just tell me what to do. I don't want to think anymore. I don't.

Everything is crashing down on me, and I can't do this any longer.

My Heart Must Be REALLY Sad

I don't know how to blog in a way that people will want to read it. But that's not what blogging is for, it's for me to say how I feel.

I'm so sad, all the time. It's so frustrating because I don't want to be sad, but I am. Everything just seems to be out of my control, and I can't stop things from spiraling downward.

I've been have a lot of problems, swollen ankles, tightness of my chest, shortness of breath, I can't breathe properly when I lay down, I have a weird cough and excess phlegm. I've been swelling more all over my body, I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight, and I can't walk for more than about 3 minutes without getting out of breath and needing to take a break.
What the hell? I'm 19, I should be able to walk my dogs and I should be able to sleep on my back.

I went to the doctor (I think I mentioned some of this once) and I had an ECG, bloodwork, ultrasound, and a chest X-ray done. I saw my doctor, and he told me that everything came back normal other than the ultrasound, which showed an engorged Vena Cava and that my liver was "at the high end of normal". So, he wanted to send me for a CT. Which never happened because I never heard from the radiologist, and that's not my doctor's fault by any means.

Anyway, my symptoms worsened and I ended up going to emergency when I woke up with ankles so swollen it hurt. To make a long story short, the nurses FREAKED out. I got bruises on my left arm from the blood pressure machine, which apparently is not normal (duh). And I just felt overall like crap.

I had another ECG, I had another chest X-ray and I had more bloodwork. The doctor said, oh so surprisingly, that everything came back normal. Was I shocked? No. So I told him what my doctor had said and you know what he said back to me? "well I don't know what's up with that, it's subjective" I asked if he was going to check it out, and he said no. WHAT THE HELL.

So then, he told me that it was just anxiety and nothing was wrong with me. Which really pissed me off, because why the (insert a profanity here) would my ankles be that huge? Why couldn't I walk my dog? Why was I waking up gasping for air? Why am I bruising?

So I argued, then he said he'll send me to have a nuclear medicine test. Which I did the next day, and since he was only testing for a stupid blood clot in my lungs, they didn't find anything. Only it was the next day so I had to see the new doctor who was working in emerg. I swear they wrote on my chart "Crazy, it's just anxiety" because he told me...wait for it...that it's probably just anxiety. Which caused me to burst into tears because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.

So HE sent me to have an echocardiogram done of my heart. Which was done like a week later, then I saw my GP because he actually cares about me. When I saw him I told him my new symptoms and he told me he was worried. He didn't have the full test results, but what he did have back were the rough notes.

I have two leaking valves. Two. My heart is regurgitating blood, and since the person doing the exam hadn't done whatever they need to do to have the full diagnosis I am sitting on my ass waiting. Waiting to find out the next step. Do I need surgery? More medicine? Oh, I forgot to say I'm taking diuretics. I'm now also taking an indigestion pill daily because I have such bad heartburn/indigestion it's insane.

Anyway, I've been referred to a cardiologist. Woo. I still haven't heard anything about an appointment and it's been about two weeks. Lucky me.

And that, is what's going on.

Another day I will tell you all about the new gynecologist I saw, and my treatment. And how much I hate vagina doctors.

But for today, you learned about my broken heart.

One Day

I think one day I'm just going to drop dead. That'll be the day the doctor's realise that something maybe could have been done.

I try to love my body, but I don't. It hates me, it hurts me, it's broken all over and I'm too young for this pain.

I just wish someone would give me answers.

Everyone's having sex, except for me!

That's so unfair!

I went to a Christmas party a few weeks ago, before I knew something might be wrong with my liver. So I was drinking (not much) and since there were underage kids I didn't want to be ridiculous. Anyway, this girl I used to work with asked me to talk to her alone, so we did. And to try and avoid making it super well known who she is, I will just give a short description of our conversation:

She described pain identical to my vulvar pain. I was totally shocked, had I really met someone who had the same problems as me, IN THE FLESH? Someone I could hug and talk to face to face, someone I could see and be with? I know, it's awful I got excited...I don't wish this on anyone, but I was still excited to have someone to talk to. So I gave her all of the information I could, I told her everything I could think of that I've been through, and told her to go to a doctor.

She messaged me a few days ago saying she doesn't have what I do, because penetration was possible. It still hurts, but she doesn't want to see a doctor because she thinks she's just being a baby.

Well, I can't force her to do anything, and I can't do anything about it, it's her choice, so fine. But she's having sex, and I'm not.

THEN tonight my best friend calls me, and she's been living with someone else before she moves in here with me, and she tells me that she's getting some. By some I mean a lot, and yeah it's new to her and exciting and she's never done it until now, but I'm SO jealous.
Only, she asked if it's normal to have pain in the area of your uterus.
No, I'm sorry, but it's not. Ever. Apparently the pain is always there, and I told her that since she's never been to a doctor about any of this stuff she should go now, because it's important.

REGARDLESS.

I am very jealous. And I'm feeling very strange, and I've been having lots of dreams involving lots of sex, is that normal?
I have no doctors calling me, and I've called lots of times. So I'm just totally screwed, still. And I'm waiting on results from my OTHER tests. I'm hormonal and starting birth control again, and I want to have sex.

I need to post things when my brain is clearer than it is right now, sorry.