I want to wake up one day and not have vulvodynia. Every time I think my symptoms are calming down they have to come back super bad and remind me it's not going anywhere.
I think something's wrong with my hormones lately. I keep crying and crying, then randomly getting really angry. Or maybe it's not hormones, maybe I'm just super stressed out. Things just suck so much right now. I'm totally heartbroken over this whole shihpoo thing, and I can't figure out why. It's like I want a baby and I can't have one so I tried to fill that void with a dog. Now I can't have the dog and I'm all upset and confused.
When I say I can't have a baby I mean I can't have one right now. I have no idea if I'm infertile or not. But I have a huge fear that I am. I know it's a really random fear to have, but I want babies. I want eight, but I think I'll have to settle for four. If I ever have kids in my life that is. Who knows. I'm too afraid to have sex, so who knows. Oh my gosh, I'm crazy.
I want a real job, I want money and a house. I feel so useless. I can't work because of my stupid muscles. My friends and I are going to go to the zoo on Friday and we have to get a wheelchair because I can't walk around that much. I love them dearly, and it was their suggestion, but I'm embarrassed and I don't know why. It's not THAT big of a deal. Tons of people are in wheelchairs. So why am I so upset about this? AND it'll suck because I can't sit for long periods of time. I pretty much just lay down all day. It's easiest on my hips, vagina, legs and back.
Blah. I'm getting so upset about this I need to stop right now.
I'm sorry you're so upset right now. I'm sorry I don't remember -- have you ever been treated for depression? It might help (I say from personal experience). It won't get rid of the vulvodynia, but it might make coping with the day-to-day easier. Your anger and crying sounds a lot like what I've experienced :( Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI have been given medications for depression, but I always react really badly to them. My doctor and I both agree that my depression symptoms are totally situational and that I just have to talk to him about what's going on and closely monitor me.
ReplyDeleteIt just gets hard.
Thanks for your comment and suggestion though! I wish it would work.
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