I'm Just So Angry

I'm going to see my gynecologist tomorrow, which always brings on some sort of stress. I hate going, I'm a big girl about it and I always have been, but I just hate it so much. I hate free healthcare sometimes because it's really crappy at times. Not to say I would rather not have it, but really it sucks. I don't get to choose my doctors, I have to take what's available and then they get booked and rushed and I get forgotten about.

I'm miserable tonight and I can't sleep. I was expecting my period yesterday or today or sometime around now, but seeing as I just went off the pill it might not come when expected which is driving me nuts. I hate not knowing when it's going to hit, especially since last time I went off the pill my cramps were so bad I couldn't get out of my bed. I guess I'm thankful that it hasn't come though, I have never gone to the gynecologist when I was on my period, and frankly I don't think I want to. I called to reschedule on Monday (thinking I was going to have my period tomorrow), but they told me I had to keep my appointment or I wouldn't get in until June. I wouldn't get in until June? This most likely means that my next appointment won't be until June. Great.

Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and I know that sounds cliche and so teenage drama, but I just hate this. I feel so lonely, and I get so overwhelmed everything comes out jumbled. My boyfriend is really the only support I have around here, and my lady problems are on hold right now because we have to deal with a bigger problem involving him. Most days I feel like crap. I want to get out of this rut, I want to feel better about myself.

So I try to do little things that make me feel better, I love to get manicures and pedicures, but sitting in the bloody chairs hurts so much. Most of the time I just ignore it because my butt eventually falls asleep. On top of that, they're expensive and I only get them done once every couple of months. There's not a whole lot I can do for myself to feel good. My house is so crowded and it's so hard to have privacy around here that it just makes everything worse (there's 7 people who live in my house and we ALWAYS have company). Basically, I feel awful and I can't really make my thoughts come out any clearer. There's more I wanted to say but I forgot how I was going to say it.

Anyway, to sum it all up: I hate my vagina and I hate my muscles.