This Week Has Been Awful

Today I went to celebrate the Ukrainian Easter with my boyfriend and his family. Which was hell. I hated every second of it, I bought a cushion which only sort of kind of helps and I have been trying to ignore this horrible burning pain in my crotch. Every time I think of the burning pain I think of firecrotch and how women with vulvodynia are the real firecrotches...anyway. I went off of birth control which is making me more emotional than I need to be, and then going to a family gathering with people whom I know I dislike is just adding to the emotional side of me.

On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.

My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.

He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!

Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.



Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.

One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.