Long Time, No Blog

Hey.

So I don't know if anyone even will see this, but I just wanted to say that you ladies have all been on my mind for the longest time. I fell into a deep depression for a long time, where I didn't want to have anything to do with vaginas or pelvic pain. I've come out of it, I've been out for a while now, but I just bided my time before coming back here.

I'll give an update:

I'm seeing a new gynaecologist who is fantastic. He's very kind, gentle and listens so well to me. I haven't been doing any treatments, just icing and sitz baths to try and ignore the pain. I hit rock bottom a while back, I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and spiraling downwards into a worse depression. I snapped out of it, thankfully, we're back together now after working out the kinks in our relationship. That's about it, really.

My pain has not changed, it has not gotten better or worse. Everything stays the same for me. I was on facebook a while back, in one of the "support" groups there, and I asked if anyone was from Canada, because I can never find anyone in Canada. Sure enough, a few women popped up and told me they were starting a face to face support group, and that I was welcome to join. I jumped at the opportunity and got all the information.

There's only about 6 of us in the group, but that's okay, it's more intimate and easier to get comfortable with everyone. We're hoping to get the word out there that we exist, and to help more women. We share treatment information, doctors and stories about how we came to where we are. We've only met up twice now, but hope to make it a monthly thing. It's been really comforting and helpful to me to know that these women are here to listen.

I'm the youngest in the group, of course, but that's alright. This is short, and just basic, I'm not feeling a lot of emotions in any way right now. I guess content is the word. Regardless, if you're in Canada and looking for support, check us out:

http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/TorontoVPSG/?yguid=

If you're nearby we can meet up hopefully.

Thanks for reading, I promise to get caught up with everyone else.

Lots of love,

Natalie

Happy Belated Birthday to Me...

Maybe the four martinis, long island iced tea and the porn star shot I had made me think too much, or maybe they had nothing to do with anything.

But I hate my vagina.

I cry about it at least once a day, and I try to come on blogger and read people's blogs, but all that happens is I bawl. It's making me a very unwell person to be around.

My boyfriend is at school now so I hardly get to see him. He's here almost every night, for only for a half hour to eat dinner and complain about school.
Then on weekends he works.

So I convinced my mother that I was sad, and I can't have children for NUMEROUS reasons (not all because I can't have sex) so she's allowing me to bring a puppy into her home.
This probably won't benefit me in any way seeing as I have no job, therefore I have no income, therefore I don't know how I can afford a dog.

It would be really super if I could just not have a vagina, like, maybe it would be nice to know what it's like to not hurt down there, and to have a NORMAL vagina, but I think just not having one at all would be splendid right now.

I'm going to stop typing, I'm very upset.

Before I go, I turned nineteen on Monday, and since I live in Canada, I get to drink. Probably not a good thing...

And one of my favourite questions doctors ask: "So, how is intercourse for you?"




P.S.
I drew that a few months ago, figured I should share

Ups and Downs

So for any of you that read the last post (I deleted it) everything has..."worked itself out". I won't touch on that subject again for a while I don't think.

In other news, I got offered a shih poo and my mom won't let me take it. It's free...

I'm really down in the dumps right now and I don't feel good about myself. I have a new pain in my stomach that is killing me. It feels like someone stuck forks in my sides, grabbed my intestines and they're twisting the forks while pulling them in all directions at the same time. According everyone I talk to it's gas. This is nothing like any gas I've ever had before. It's really hurting and getting worse, it's been pretty persistent for the last 5 days.

My vaginal opening feels like I've been sliced right at the bottom and someone tried to clean the wound with rubbing alcohol. Oh, and they shoved something like...steel wool in me. I think it's because I had my period last week and I've been wearing pantie liners. When I was on a trampoline with the kids last week they bounced me and I landed flat down on my butt. ouch. It burned and since then I've been in pain. I have no idea what to do to relieve the pain.

I'm so tired. My tummy hurts, my vagina hurts, oh my butthole burns before I go to the washroom and after. That's pleasant. I want to get the puppy but I can't.

I'm having an ADD moment and I can't seem to focus on what I'm saying so I'll stop typing now.

Tightropes, Stairs and Vomit

The other day my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show called In Real Life. It's a show where these kids are challenged to "work" a "real" job. At the end of the season they win some prize money or something, I guess a child version of a reality show. Anyway, the theme of the episode we so happened to be watching was about circus performers. They had to ride a mini bike, walk on a tightrope and then do some tricks on a trampoline, or something along those lines.

So this girl was doing the challenge where she had to walk on the tightrope. It was really intense because she kept falling of it and I felt bad for her. But then she fell smack down onto the rope, like landed on her crotch on the rope. When she landed my eyes welled with tears because I could imagine, well I assumed the pain felt like mine does. She was down and cried for a long time...and my boyfriend looked at me and said, "do you think she could get vulvodynia from that?"

That lead me to wonder...could she? I don't really know, I don't think anything like that ever happened to me and I know the cause is still unknown, but maybe different things can cause it. I don't know, all I can think of is how badly it must have hurt.

Then tonight when I was watching the kids, one of the girls slid down the stairs one at a time. Thud, thud, thud. Landing on her butt every time. I used to do that when I was a kid...but now, FORGET IT! It would end with me bawling my eyes out and ice between my thighs. I think about these things and how lucky other people are.

And in other news, one of the luxury's of going off of birth control is that I puke before I get my period again! YAY! Today I had awful cramps and I went to go lay down and I puked...it was awful. Fortunately, then my bad mood from earlier in the day was instantly forgiven by all around me. I know it's not a flu bug or anything because I feel fine now, still no period though. 30 days and nada, hurry up so I can stop stuffing my face!!!

Updates on My Life

So since my last post I went to see my doctor (my GP), permed my hair on a whim and set my vagina on fire...only not literally.

In the correct order, I permed my hair first. Which really doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but there's a story to go with it. Since I had to perm my hair sitting down I brought my invalid cushion that I made adjust to my body. So I had about 4 different hairdressers doing my hair, and since my cushion has a cover they just thought it was because I would be sitting for 2 and a half hours in the chair...

Then one of them (the youngest one) asked me if I had "wing ring". When she realized my face was all, "what the hell did you just say?" she explained it's when you eat too many hot wings and have the runs. I laughed and told her I have lady problems that make me hurt when I...live. Only I said sit. So she asked me to elaborate, so I told her it's called vulvodynia and it's vulvar pain. She didn't know what a vulva was. I believe her response was, "I know what feels good..." While in my mind I was thinking, "Oh for it to feel good..."

Anyway, I explained as best I could in the back of the salon that the opening of my vagina feels like fire most of the time, and when it doesn't feel like fire it feels like someone is pinching me whose hand is made of millions of razor blades that have salt all over them. The entire time the woman a few chairs down from me was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever had in my life. So since I'm me, I just spoke louder and more in depth about my problem, just so I could annoy her. She eventually shook her head and when she left muttered something I didn't quite catch...



Then I went to my doctor...I don't really remember what day, they blur together. I told him about my appointment with the evil gyne, and I wish I had taken a picture of his face. This doctor of mine is the same doctor which told my mother she was pregnant with me, and I've spent many hours of my life in his office. He was appauled! He told me that was extremely unprofessional and innapropriate and he said he was going to do whatever he could about it. Bless his heart. So I gave him my list of "new" symptoms, AKA the symptoms I've just ignored, and he told me he wants me to chart everything for him. He said that if my chart mimics endometriosis symptoms then he will send me for a laparoscopy, and then he will further venture into all the other things that don't add up. Like the peeing my pants a little every now and then.


THEN, after those two exciting stories, my vagina set itself on fire. The flare is calming down and it's back to it's usual annoying burn. Before I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand comfortably, lying down was somewhat ok, but then my back would hurt. I didn't have anything that I could think of to make it better other than to just not wear any underwear, which was a challenge because I have a lot of discharge right now (I think it's ovulation, but I really don't know). So I laid in my bed and watched TV while eating foods that made me gain five pounds and thought of the many different things I would rather have gone through than my firecrotch.

There. I've been wanting to get that out.

P.S. My perm is pretty neat...it's not all big and crazy like my mom's was when I was a baby. It's relaxed and pretty, only I think it's coming out really fast. Just in case you were wondering.

This Week Has Been Awful

Today I went to celebrate the Ukrainian Easter with my boyfriend and his family. Which was hell. I hated every second of it, I bought a cushion which only sort of kind of helps and I have been trying to ignore this horrible burning pain in my crotch. Every time I think of the burning pain I think of firecrotch and how women with vulvodynia are the real firecrotches...anyway. I went off of birth control which is making me more emotional than I need to be, and then going to a family gathering with people whom I know I dislike is just adding to the emotional side of me.

On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.

My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.

He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!

Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.



Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.

One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.