I want to wake up one day and not have vulvodynia. Every time I think my symptoms are calming down they have to come back super bad and remind me it's not going anywhere.

I think something's wrong with my hormones lately. I keep crying and crying, then randomly getting really angry. Or maybe it's not hormones, maybe I'm just super stressed out. Things just suck so much right now. I'm totally heartbroken over this whole shihpoo thing, and I can't figure out why. It's like I want a baby and I can't have one so I tried to fill that void with a dog. Now I can't have the dog and I'm all upset and confused.

When I say I can't have a baby I mean I can't have one right now. I have no idea if I'm infertile or not. But I have a huge fear that I am. I know it's a really random fear to have, but I want babies. I want eight, but I think I'll have to settle for four. If I ever have kids in my life that is. Who knows. I'm too afraid to have sex, so who knows. Oh my gosh, I'm crazy.

I want a real job, I want money and a house. I feel so useless. I can't work because of my stupid muscles. My friends and I are going to go to the zoo on Friday and we have to get a wheelchair because I can't walk around that much. I love them dearly, and it was their suggestion, but I'm embarrassed and I don't know why. It's not THAT big of a deal. Tons of people are in wheelchairs. So why am I so upset about this? AND it'll suck because I can't sit for long periods of time. I pretty much just lay down all day. It's easiest on my hips, vagina, legs and back.

Blah. I'm getting so upset about this I need to stop right now.

Ups and Downs

So for any of you that read the last post (I deleted it) everything has..."worked itself out". I won't touch on that subject again for a while I don't think.

In other news, I got offered a shih poo and my mom won't let me take it. It's free...

I'm really down in the dumps right now and I don't feel good about myself. I have a new pain in my stomach that is killing me. It feels like someone stuck forks in my sides, grabbed my intestines and they're twisting the forks while pulling them in all directions at the same time. According everyone I talk to it's gas. This is nothing like any gas I've ever had before. It's really hurting and getting worse, it's been pretty persistent for the last 5 days.

My vaginal opening feels like I've been sliced right at the bottom and someone tried to clean the wound with rubbing alcohol. Oh, and they shoved something like...steel wool in me. I think it's because I had my period last week and I've been wearing pantie liners. When I was on a trampoline with the kids last week they bounced me and I landed flat down on my butt. ouch. It burned and since then I've been in pain. I have no idea what to do to relieve the pain.

I'm so tired. My tummy hurts, my vagina hurts, oh my butthole burns before I go to the washroom and after. That's pleasant. I want to get the puppy but I can't.

I'm having an ADD moment and I can't seem to focus on what I'm saying so I'll stop typing now.

I'm Afraid Of Rabies

So tonight my boyfriend and I went out and got McDonald's because I just couldn't take not eating it any longer. My stomach is killing me. After we ate we were sitting in his car on our street when we saw my friend's mom and brother driving around the street. Then we saw a dog. Long story short we took the dog to my boyfriend's house and it licked us a lot. I have a cut on my hand and now I am terrified I'm going to get rabies because I'm an anxious person.

I called Telehealth and I'm waiting for a nurse to call me back and tell me what to do.

What if I get rabies? I'll die. That's scary.

Tightropes, Stairs and Vomit

The other day my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show called In Real Life. It's a show where these kids are challenged to "work" a "real" job. At the end of the season they win some prize money or something, I guess a child version of a reality show. Anyway, the theme of the episode we so happened to be watching was about circus performers. They had to ride a mini bike, walk on a tightrope and then do some tricks on a trampoline, or something along those lines.

So this girl was doing the challenge where she had to walk on the tightrope. It was really intense because she kept falling of it and I felt bad for her. But then she fell smack down onto the rope, like landed on her crotch on the rope. When she landed my eyes welled with tears because I could imagine, well I assumed the pain felt like mine does. She was down and cried for a long time...and my boyfriend looked at me and said, "do you think she could get vulvodynia from that?"

That lead me to wonder...could she? I don't really know, I don't think anything like that ever happened to me and I know the cause is still unknown, but maybe different things can cause it. I don't know, all I can think of is how badly it must have hurt.

Then tonight when I was watching the kids, one of the girls slid down the stairs one at a time. Thud, thud, thud. Landing on her butt every time. I used to do that when I was a kid...but now, FORGET IT! It would end with me bawling my eyes out and ice between my thighs. I think about these things and how lucky other people are.

And in other news, one of the luxury's of going off of birth control is that I puke before I get my period again! YAY! Today I had awful cramps and I went to go lay down and I puked...it was awful. Fortunately, then my bad mood from earlier in the day was instantly forgiven by all around me. I know it's not a flu bug or anything because I feel fine now, still no period though. 30 days and nada, hurry up so I can stop stuffing my face!!!

Updates on My Life

So since my last post I went to see my doctor (my GP), permed my hair on a whim and set my vagina on fire...only not literally.

In the correct order, I permed my hair first. Which really doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but there's a story to go with it. Since I had to perm my hair sitting down I brought my invalid cushion that I made adjust to my body. So I had about 4 different hairdressers doing my hair, and since my cushion has a cover they just thought it was because I would be sitting for 2 and a half hours in the chair...

Then one of them (the youngest one) asked me if I had "wing ring". When she realized my face was all, "what the hell did you just say?" she explained it's when you eat too many hot wings and have the runs. I laughed and told her I have lady problems that make me hurt when I...live. Only I said sit. So she asked me to elaborate, so I told her it's called vulvodynia and it's vulvar pain. She didn't know what a vulva was. I believe her response was, "I know what feels good..." While in my mind I was thinking, "Oh for it to feel good..."

Anyway, I explained as best I could in the back of the salon that the opening of my vagina feels like fire most of the time, and when it doesn't feel like fire it feels like someone is pinching me whose hand is made of millions of razor blades that have salt all over them. The entire time the woman a few chairs down from me was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever had in my life. So since I'm me, I just spoke louder and more in depth about my problem, just so I could annoy her. She eventually shook her head and when she left muttered something I didn't quite catch...



Then I went to my doctor...I don't really remember what day, they blur together. I told him about my appointment with the evil gyne, and I wish I had taken a picture of his face. This doctor of mine is the same doctor which told my mother she was pregnant with me, and I've spent many hours of my life in his office. He was appauled! He told me that was extremely unprofessional and innapropriate and he said he was going to do whatever he could about it. Bless his heart. So I gave him my list of "new" symptoms, AKA the symptoms I've just ignored, and he told me he wants me to chart everything for him. He said that if my chart mimics endometriosis symptoms then he will send me for a laparoscopy, and then he will further venture into all the other things that don't add up. Like the peeing my pants a little every now and then.


THEN, after those two exciting stories, my vagina set itself on fire. The flare is calming down and it's back to it's usual annoying burn. Before I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand comfortably, lying down was somewhat ok, but then my back would hurt. I didn't have anything that I could think of to make it better other than to just not wear any underwear, which was a challenge because I have a lot of discharge right now (I think it's ovulation, but I really don't know). So I laid in my bed and watched TV while eating foods that made me gain five pounds and thought of the many different things I would rather have gone through than my firecrotch.

There. I've been wanting to get that out.

P.S. My perm is pretty neat...it's not all big and crazy like my mom's was when I was a baby. It's relaxed and pretty, only I think it's coming out really fast. Just in case you were wondering.