This Week Has Been Awful

Today I went to celebrate the Ukrainian Easter with my boyfriend and his family. Which was hell. I hated every second of it, I bought a cushion which only sort of kind of helps and I have been trying to ignore this horrible burning pain in my crotch. Every time I think of the burning pain I think of firecrotch and how women with vulvodynia are the real firecrotches...anyway. I went off of birth control which is making me more emotional than I need to be, and then going to a family gathering with people whom I know I dislike is just adding to the emotional side of me.

On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.

My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.

He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!

Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.



Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.

One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.

I Went to the Gynecologist

I'm so mad right now I don't know what words to use. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there until someone finds a cure.

My doctor - whom I used to LOVE - made me so mad today. He told me that if I don't take Cymbalta or whatever the other one I can't think of the name is, my only other option is surgery, and the surgery won't cure all the pain anyway. There's an 85% chance it will work, and that will make 90% of the pain directly in the area go away. Those are my "last" two options. I don't like taking medications because I forget to take them all the time, I always react to every one, my body builds immunities up to everything, and I don't want to take them for the rest of my life. Surgery is just scary and makes me nervous.

He told me regardless that I'm not going to get better. Is that okay to tell me? I know it's not cancer, I know this won't kill me, but I feel awful. The rest of my life is going to be this? Want to know what else he said? He said I shouldn't read blogs or other people's stories because then I'm just going to keep comparing myself to them and will want to make myself seem worse, so it basically would just turn into a huge competition. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have metioned I've been looking for help online, but my GP always tells me to do that. I'm so upset.

I want to get better. I want to get better so badly. I want to have babies when I'm older. I want to be able to sit. I want to know what did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong that cursed me with this?

I want a friend who understands.

I just want to be better.

I'm Just So Angry

I'm going to see my gynecologist tomorrow, which always brings on some sort of stress. I hate going, I'm a big girl about it and I always have been, but I just hate it so much. I hate free healthcare sometimes because it's really crappy at times. Not to say I would rather not have it, but really it sucks. I don't get to choose my doctors, I have to take what's available and then they get booked and rushed and I get forgotten about.

I'm miserable tonight and I can't sleep. I was expecting my period yesterday or today or sometime around now, but seeing as I just went off the pill it might not come when expected which is driving me nuts. I hate not knowing when it's going to hit, especially since last time I went off the pill my cramps were so bad I couldn't get out of my bed. I guess I'm thankful that it hasn't come though, I have never gone to the gynecologist when I was on my period, and frankly I don't think I want to. I called to reschedule on Monday (thinking I was going to have my period tomorrow), but they told me I had to keep my appointment or I wouldn't get in until June. I wouldn't get in until June? This most likely means that my next appointment won't be until June. Great.

Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and I know that sounds cliche and so teenage drama, but I just hate this. I feel so lonely, and I get so overwhelmed everything comes out jumbled. My boyfriend is really the only support I have around here, and my lady problems are on hold right now because we have to deal with a bigger problem involving him. Most days I feel like crap. I want to get out of this rut, I want to feel better about myself.

So I try to do little things that make me feel better, I love to get manicures and pedicures, but sitting in the bloody chairs hurts so much. Most of the time I just ignore it because my butt eventually falls asleep. On top of that, they're expensive and I only get them done once every couple of months. There's not a whole lot I can do for myself to feel good. My house is so crowded and it's so hard to have privacy around here that it just makes everything worse (there's 7 people who live in my house and we ALWAYS have company). Basically, I feel awful and I can't really make my thoughts come out any clearer. There's more I wanted to say but I forgot how I was going to say it.

Anyway, to sum it all up: I hate my vagina and I hate my muscles.

Going Off The Pill

I decided last month that I would stop taking birth control (mainly because it was too expensive and my prescription ran out). So I had my period and all was well for...a day.
Here are the changes I have noticed since I went off the pill:

- EXTREME lower abdominal pain
- bowel movements have become even more painful than before
- my stomach looks like I am pregnant (I will take a picture if you don't believe me)
- my legs ache from my hips down to my knees
- I'm stiffer (which may just be the weather change, I'm not sure yet)
- I'm more tired than ever, but can't fall asleep
- nausea every time I eat
- craving foods...like cheese and ketchup together/grease/salt/sugar (which I am not normally a fan of)
- constantly stuffing my face
- gas pains
- headaches
- more frequent urination...and sometimes peeing in my pants a little bit before I make it to the washroom
- I'm WAY more emotional
- hot flashes
- Oh, and I gained ten pounds so none of my pants fit and I had to buy new ones...



Isn't that just dandy? So I've been trying to work out, but since I have muscle problems that's not always easy. And since I live in Canada and spring is starting the weather is really stupid, changing from -5 C to 15 C within 24 hours (For those of you who use Fahrenheit that is 23 F to 59 F). I keep having really bad hot flashes and feeling like I'm dying so it really hasn't worked out. Basically I've been sitting on my butt eating donuts and drinking lots of pop, that'll make me lose weight for sure.

I am so angry and I feel so disgusting that I don't know what to do with myself. Did I mention I have horrible gas? It's bad...I feel like a pregnant woman. Food cravings, gas and peeing myself when I laugh. Yay.