Vulvodynia, hold please.

The past few weeks, about a month and a half I guess, I noticed my legs were fatter than normal. Well, really, I was fatter than normal, I tacked it up to stress. One day while in the hospital with my mother and grandfather my mom pointed out that my ankles were literally hanging over my running shoes. Well, whatever I had other things on my mind so I ignored it.

Not too long later I noticed my socks were leaving really deep lines on my ankles, even my fuzzy non-elastic socks. Then I started having a hard time breathing, and I was peeing more than ever before (which is a lot). I phoned my doctor yesterday and went in this morning at 8:40. He checked my blood pressure and looked at my ankles, but since it was morning they were only a little puffy.

Then he felt under my rib cage on the right side, and when he poked it stung like a bee sting, but imagine it with a stinger that went through to your back. I thought it was mean what he did to me, but then when he did it on the left side it just felt like he poked me...weird. So he told me that he was concerned something is wrong with my liver. He gave me some pills to prevent wate retention and I can't stop peeing now...yay! He also sent me to have blood work - 4 viles - and an ECG test. You know, when they stick those little pads on you and clip things to them to monitor your heart?

After that I had a chest x-ray and on the 12th I'm having an abdominal ultrasound. Then I'm going back on the 14th. I'm so scared right now, and my right side of my body is in an unbelievable amount of pain ever since he poked it.

I feel like I just can't get a break, and all these thoughts are going through my mind: What if I have liver failure? What if I need a donor liver? What if I don't get one? What if my body rejects the new liver? What if I have congestive heart failure? What do I do?

I'm scared.

And to top off this day, when I got out of the car to go to my appointment...someone backed into the car, this is the SECOND time my boyfriend's car was backed into, in the SAME parking lot.

Let's hope 2010 is a good year.

My Burning Crotch is like a Nagging Mother

I've learned to tune it out.

My Grandfather passed away on the 8th. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and the saddest I have ever been. He was like a father to me, he WAS a father to me. I never went a day without him in my life, and he was there when my dad was sick in the hospital. He was there even when dad was here, because he lived with me my whole entire life.

I feel like such a baby right now, and not like in a "whiny baby" kind of way, just, I feel young.
My crotch is on fire about...oh 95% of my day. I quit my job - why - I'm depressed I guess.

My anxiety has hit me really hard, I feel like I can't breathe at all and every muscle in my neck/back hurt so bad I can tell you where every one is. I keep burping and I can't seem to stop yawning. It sucks.

On top of that, I haven't heard a DAMN THING from my gynecologist. She was supposedly referring me to some amaaazing specialist, but that was over a month ago and I still haven't heard anything. I asked her about it and she said I just had to be patient. Easy for her to say.

I just want someone who's older and wiser to take care of me. To come and give me a huge hug and explain how I'm going to get better, because right now I feel like things are so bad I may as well just not bother trying.

I wish my vagina worked, and I wish doctors listened to me.

I want to say more but I feel like there's no point because my words are falling on an empty audience. So why I'm trying to reach out I don't really know, because I feel like no one gives a damn about me. No one is helping me.

Sometimes nineteen year olds just need some help.

My laptop fell and shattered as well. I'm not trying to have a pity post but things just absolutely suck.

I need so many things to sort out and no matter how hard I attempt to pursue them, something or someone always seems to be holding me back.

Life Update

So here is my life in a quick little nutshell:

My Grandfather (who lived with me my entire life and pretty much was a father to me) had a massive stroke and is in the hospital, this is his third week.

I think I might have a kidney infection.

I just got hired at a gym and tomorrow is my first day.

My vagina has been on fire 24/7 for the last month.

It burns when I pee.

My dog has vaginitis.

She ate diabetes pills, and is now ok.

She is bleeding internally.


There's the quick version.

Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
And most of the time I think that if I did, it wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life.
Other than maybe my dog Penny's, because no one else loves her like I do.

I got a job, I'm a telerecruiter. I ask people to volunteer, and for the entire four hour shift I completely zone out of Natalie mode and become a cheery zombie.
I really want to just go to sleep and not wake up, a feeling I've often had since childhood.

I feel so weird, and just so sad. I just keep crying and thinking about every little thing that's made me sad in my life. Maybe having my period for a month and a week has something to do with my insanity at this time, and maybe having taken the pill that entire time and now going off of it has made it worse. And maybe wearing pads for that long that made my vagina feel like it was going to rub off of me which made me even more crazy.

Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane.

I could write forever and ever right now because my mind is racing with all my thoughts about my body that I want to turn in for a new one, but I'm so tired my fingers can't keep up.

I had a colonoscopy last Friday and I am sure that I will write about my experience when it's not 12:30 in the morning and I haven't been rushing around after a puppy all day.

Happy Belated Birthday to Me...

Maybe the four martinis, long island iced tea and the porn star shot I had made me think too much, or maybe they had nothing to do with anything.

But I hate my vagina.

I cry about it at least once a day, and I try to come on blogger and read people's blogs, but all that happens is I bawl. It's making me a very unwell person to be around.

My boyfriend is at school now so I hardly get to see him. He's here almost every night, for only for a half hour to eat dinner and complain about school.
Then on weekends he works.

So I convinced my mother that I was sad, and I can't have children for NUMEROUS reasons (not all because I can't have sex) so she's allowing me to bring a puppy into her home.
This probably won't benefit me in any way seeing as I have no job, therefore I have no income, therefore I don't know how I can afford a dog.

It would be really super if I could just not have a vagina, like, maybe it would be nice to know what it's like to not hurt down there, and to have a NORMAL vagina, but I think just not having one at all would be splendid right now.

I'm going to stop typing, I'm very upset.

Before I go, I turned nineteen on Monday, and since I live in Canada, I get to drink. Probably not a good thing...

And one of my favourite questions doctors ask: "So, how is intercourse for you?"




P.S.
I drew that a few months ago, figured I should share

Hello World

I decided that if I just didn't think about it, deal with it, just have anything to do with it, IT wouldn't bother me.
Wrong.
I'm so tired of vulvodynia. Aren't we all?

I currently have zero support coming in here and I'm not seeing any doctors until...um...oh right, never. I called my gynecologist's office and they told me that they will "get back to me in a week or two". My doctor had to send a referral and I'm supposed to know about whether or not I can get in to see her again...for the second time in my life. I'm in a lot of pain and trying to pretend it's not there. But of course, I have to wait, and the way it works here I probably won't get in until October.

Anyway, I'm pretty miserable. I'm tired of just sitting around not having any answers. Not even having someone pretend that they want to find an answer.
And not having anyone to talk to. I want to talk to a person, on the phone or face to face. Just to hear a voice that understands..

Another Sleepless Night?

I have to get up in six hours to get ready for work. I will work for nine hours, then come home to my whiny boyfriend and deal with him for 5 hours, then I will attempt to work out and hit the hay.

Only, I can't sleep...
I have this horrible stabbing pain my left side that is killing me, it's been there since I woke up this morning and I don't know what to do. I also woke up this morning seven pounds lighter than I am right now. That's weird. I haven't eaten a lot of food, so I don't get why I gained seven pounds during the course of my day.

And on top of my stabbing pain in my side, my butthole hurts. It feels as if someone is trying to stretch it open, only it's super dry and cracking while they do that? That's grosser when I type it than when I think it. BUT THAT'S HOW I FEEL! My stomach is huge, like I think I might take a picture of it just to prove to everyone how badly it bloats...Actually I think what I will do is take a picture tomorrow morning if it's small and then a picture at the end of the day. Then I will post it and show it to my family and friends so they believe how big it gets!!

I have a lot of discharge coming out of me right now, and it's pretty nasty. My vagina has been hurting a lot more than normal too, I think it means my period approaches. My doctor told me that the last time I had my period I didn't ovulate, so this period is going to be a lot worse because my body is crazy hormonal.

Question: Do any of you experience really extreme itching around the top of your vagina, like around your clit and urethra?

Question 2: Do any of you get sharp shooting pains around that area?

Question 3: Do any of you experience the butthole thing I just described? AND/OR do any of you get a feeling like your insides are trying to fall out through your butt and vagina?


OK. So input would be muchly appreciated as I am not seeing any doctors until probably sometime in September because they don't like scheduling me before that. Unless I go to the emergency room, but I doubt any of my problems are real emergencies. Thanks in advance if you have anything to say about this!

Britney Spears rant turned into long, long, long, rant.

I wish I looked like Britney Spears. Tonight I am having a low self esteem night. Okay, it's been going on my entire life. I've lost a lot of weight but I still have cellulite, and fat rolls. I want to be somewhere around her fitness appearance. I can't work out like she can, but I can slowly work my way to her level.

Once a good male friend of mine told me Britney Spears was too skinny...he was offended when I pointed out that his girlfriend who is the same height as her, is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than Britney.

Anyway, my obsession with her is probably unhealthy. I remember one time my sister told me that my eyes remind her of Britney's and I was walking on air for at least an hour after that. I think she's hot. My boyfriend tells me I can't have a poster of her in my room because it's weird. I think he's worried about my body image. I have a really bad one, and I will admit that.

I exercised tonight, and it made me really mad. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I get overheated and I get that burn feeling...the burn feeling I told my gym teacher I didn't think was the "right" burn. Five years later I found out I was right.
I just want to be thin.
It's hard when you finally feel good about yourself, and then your gynecologist calls you fat. All the hard work, all the effort feels useless. I take my hits hard.
Really hard.

And then, I gained a bunch of weight and my pants don't fit. So I had to buy more pants. that are barely fitting, because I'm ballooning out.

THEN. Out of the blue, this guy pops up. Married. Baby. "Happy". And I'm in a "good stable relationship". But it was pretty crap. This guy, is a guy whom used to be my best friend, and there was always the possibility of more. I'm not getting into it. It just sucks when he sends me a picture of his baby and talks about his life.
I'm like, "sweet, I have vulvodynia, fibromyalgia, possibly endometriosis and I have a fear I can't have babies."

Only then he gets all sweet and understanding and tells me I am a woman and I always have been and will be. I'm the strongest one he knows and so on and so forth. So I get all warm and fuzzy inside because it's been ages since someone has taken the time to tell me what they actually think.

And then I feel guilty and like I'm doing something bad for my relationship with my boyfriend. But my boyfriend is weird lately and doesn't talk to me. I have no idea how to communicate with him, I'm actually afraid of talking to him because he's so grouchy all the time. His bad moods are running his and my life. It's not really fair to me. Especially since he won't tell me what's going on.

I always just assume it's because he's not getting any. Like, actually, we don't have sex. We don't do anything ever. It's probably that. Which makes me feel like I'm failing. He's supportive, he was supportive, but then things just get so weird. For the last week I've been socializing. A really great friend of mine, she and I have been reconnecting, it's been great. But I always feel held back by my boyfriend. He's okay with me going out, but it's so hard to because I feel bad leaving him at home alone. I also have a really bad sinus infection right now, so today I took a sick day. I stayed in my PJs all day. I didn't do my hair, I didn't put on makeup, I didn't take care of myself. He was good about it, he didn't call a ton to talk to me and check in with me, he just let me have my day. I guess he's been cluing in. I need space.

Sigh. There's more on my mind but this is long already. I'm really tired and I should just go to sleep.

Bowels, Cars and Crazy Drivers

Today I saw my gastroenterologist. It went pretty ok, we talked for a long time about the most random things. It was nice though, I felt like she actually cared about what I had to say. She told me she thinks I had "Functional Constipation" also commonly referred to as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Apparently they are different though.

I was prescribed a laxative called Lactulose, and I'm supposed to take it twice a day. If I don't notice a difference in the next week I'm supposed to stop. She also sent me for bloodwork because she said there is a chance it's Crohn's...I really hope not. The thing that's a drag is that I'm not going back to see her again until September 4. I hate how booked doctors get.

Anyway, so after the appointment I headed over to have my bloodwork done. I suck with needles. Like, it's almost pathetic how bad I am with needles. Oh, she said that if everything comes back normal I should get a celiac test, but it's not covered by OHIP so I need to pay 60 dollars for it...bleh. Continuing on, I got to the clinic to have my needle and tried so hard not to think about it. But my anxiety level rose drastically.

By the time I got in the chair I already felt naucious, and started to shake. My dear boyfriend was there for me the entire time, holding my hand and telling me I was fine. So the needle went in and I took my deep breaths, only the room started to go white. And it just got whiter and whiter until I said, "I'm passing out!" and the nurse and my boyfriend said, "no you're fine..." then I couldn't hear anything.

I definatly went out for a split second and came back to. They gave me juice and showed me they took six um, whatever the things the blood goes in are called, of me. Which was a bad idea, because then the room went white again and my ears started to ring. I was alright though, I think I sat there for about twenty minutes just trying to calm down.

So after my rest I got the the car, and I felt just awful like I always do after blood work. I reclined my seat and asked my boyfriend to take me home, but the parking lot we were in was really tight and hard to get around so we had to wait for someone to back up. I was falling asleep and all I heard was my boyfriend say, "holy woman, just let her finish backing up!" and then it felt like something hit the car. Probably because something DID hit the car.

It was the woman backing up, she was an older lady, but she seemed really healthy and fine to me. So she got out of her car to see the damage and honestly, if she had hit us and driven away we wouldn't have known had we not been in the car. So we were saying it was fine just about to exchange information when Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver gets out of her van and starts yelling at the old lady saying, "You should NOT be driving! You are TOO OLD!"

Now, here is how this happened, she kept driving forward to take the spot the old lady was backing out from. If the old lady hadn't backed into us Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver would have smashed into the old lady. OK, it's probably not right, but I blame Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver for this.
So, me, tired, sore, and bloodless, opened my car door, stood up and yelled, "SHUT UP! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Then Miss-Crazy-Van-Driver gives me a dirty look and starts talking about her 82 year old dad who lost his license, or something I don't know. It was annoying me, because I felt she was just as much to blame, and I was MAD. So I screamed, in the angriest, loudest, meanest voice I have (and I'm a yeller to begin with) "SHUUUUUUUT UP!!!!!!!!"

She swore at me. Then went and got her two babies out of her van and walked away.

In hindsight I realize I was a little insane. But at the time I had no problem with how I dealt with her. I told the old lady I wouldn't yell at her at all because it was an honest accident.

I think I need a vacation though, I was out of hand and I admit it.

Ouchie

My clit hurts. A lot.

It's been throbbing on and off for about 24 hours, I tried icing it and it kind of...went wrong.
I could really go for a brand new body.

Or a brand new doctor.

I'm seeing a gastroenterologist on Wednesday, slightly pumped. Slightly nervous. We'll see how it goes.

I want to wake up one day and not have vulvodynia. Every time I think my symptoms are calming down they have to come back super bad and remind me it's not going anywhere.

I think something's wrong with my hormones lately. I keep crying and crying, then randomly getting really angry. Or maybe it's not hormones, maybe I'm just super stressed out. Things just suck so much right now. I'm totally heartbroken over this whole shihpoo thing, and I can't figure out why. It's like I want a baby and I can't have one so I tried to fill that void with a dog. Now I can't have the dog and I'm all upset and confused.

When I say I can't have a baby I mean I can't have one right now. I have no idea if I'm infertile or not. But I have a huge fear that I am. I know it's a really random fear to have, but I want babies. I want eight, but I think I'll have to settle for four. If I ever have kids in my life that is. Who knows. I'm too afraid to have sex, so who knows. Oh my gosh, I'm crazy.

I want a real job, I want money and a house. I feel so useless. I can't work because of my stupid muscles. My friends and I are going to go to the zoo on Friday and we have to get a wheelchair because I can't walk around that much. I love them dearly, and it was their suggestion, but I'm embarrassed and I don't know why. It's not THAT big of a deal. Tons of people are in wheelchairs. So why am I so upset about this? AND it'll suck because I can't sit for long periods of time. I pretty much just lay down all day. It's easiest on my hips, vagina, legs and back.

Blah. I'm getting so upset about this I need to stop right now.

Ups and Downs

So for any of you that read the last post (I deleted it) everything has..."worked itself out". I won't touch on that subject again for a while I don't think.

In other news, I got offered a shih poo and my mom won't let me take it. It's free...

I'm really down in the dumps right now and I don't feel good about myself. I have a new pain in my stomach that is killing me. It feels like someone stuck forks in my sides, grabbed my intestines and they're twisting the forks while pulling them in all directions at the same time. According everyone I talk to it's gas. This is nothing like any gas I've ever had before. It's really hurting and getting worse, it's been pretty persistent for the last 5 days.

My vaginal opening feels like I've been sliced right at the bottom and someone tried to clean the wound with rubbing alcohol. Oh, and they shoved something like...steel wool in me. I think it's because I had my period last week and I've been wearing pantie liners. When I was on a trampoline with the kids last week they bounced me and I landed flat down on my butt. ouch. It burned and since then I've been in pain. I have no idea what to do to relieve the pain.

I'm so tired. My tummy hurts, my vagina hurts, oh my butthole burns before I go to the washroom and after. That's pleasant. I want to get the puppy but I can't.

I'm having an ADD moment and I can't seem to focus on what I'm saying so I'll stop typing now.

I'm Afraid Of Rabies

So tonight my boyfriend and I went out and got McDonald's because I just couldn't take not eating it any longer. My stomach is killing me. After we ate we were sitting in his car on our street when we saw my friend's mom and brother driving around the street. Then we saw a dog. Long story short we took the dog to my boyfriend's house and it licked us a lot. I have a cut on my hand and now I am terrified I'm going to get rabies because I'm an anxious person.

I called Telehealth and I'm waiting for a nurse to call me back and tell me what to do.

What if I get rabies? I'll die. That's scary.

Tightropes, Stairs and Vomit

The other day my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show called In Real Life. It's a show where these kids are challenged to "work" a "real" job. At the end of the season they win some prize money or something, I guess a child version of a reality show. Anyway, the theme of the episode we so happened to be watching was about circus performers. They had to ride a mini bike, walk on a tightrope and then do some tricks on a trampoline, or something along those lines.

So this girl was doing the challenge where she had to walk on the tightrope. It was really intense because she kept falling of it and I felt bad for her. But then she fell smack down onto the rope, like landed on her crotch on the rope. When she landed my eyes welled with tears because I could imagine, well I assumed the pain felt like mine does. She was down and cried for a long time...and my boyfriend looked at me and said, "do you think she could get vulvodynia from that?"

That lead me to wonder...could she? I don't really know, I don't think anything like that ever happened to me and I know the cause is still unknown, but maybe different things can cause it. I don't know, all I can think of is how badly it must have hurt.

Then tonight when I was watching the kids, one of the girls slid down the stairs one at a time. Thud, thud, thud. Landing on her butt every time. I used to do that when I was a kid...but now, FORGET IT! It would end with me bawling my eyes out and ice between my thighs. I think about these things and how lucky other people are.

And in other news, one of the luxury's of going off of birth control is that I puke before I get my period again! YAY! Today I had awful cramps and I went to go lay down and I puked...it was awful. Fortunately, then my bad mood from earlier in the day was instantly forgiven by all around me. I know it's not a flu bug or anything because I feel fine now, still no period though. 30 days and nada, hurry up so I can stop stuffing my face!!!

Updates on My Life

So since my last post I went to see my doctor (my GP), permed my hair on a whim and set my vagina on fire...only not literally.

In the correct order, I permed my hair first. Which really doesn't matter to anyone reading this, but there's a story to go with it. Since I had to perm my hair sitting down I brought my invalid cushion that I made adjust to my body. So I had about 4 different hairdressers doing my hair, and since my cushion has a cover they just thought it was because I would be sitting for 2 and a half hours in the chair...

Then one of them (the youngest one) asked me if I had "wing ring". When she realized my face was all, "what the hell did you just say?" she explained it's when you eat too many hot wings and have the runs. I laughed and told her I have lady problems that make me hurt when I...live. Only I said sit. So she asked me to elaborate, so I told her it's called vulvodynia and it's vulvar pain. She didn't know what a vulva was. I believe her response was, "I know what feels good..." While in my mind I was thinking, "Oh for it to feel good..."

Anyway, I explained as best I could in the back of the salon that the opening of my vagina feels like fire most of the time, and when it doesn't feel like fire it feels like someone is pinching me whose hand is made of millions of razor blades that have salt all over them. The entire time the woman a few chairs down from me was giving me the dirtiest look I've ever had in my life. So since I'm me, I just spoke louder and more in depth about my problem, just so I could annoy her. She eventually shook her head and when she left muttered something I didn't quite catch...



Then I went to my doctor...I don't really remember what day, they blur together. I told him about my appointment with the evil gyne, and I wish I had taken a picture of his face. This doctor of mine is the same doctor which told my mother she was pregnant with me, and I've spent many hours of my life in his office. He was appauled! He told me that was extremely unprofessional and innapropriate and he said he was going to do whatever he could about it. Bless his heart. So I gave him my list of "new" symptoms, AKA the symptoms I've just ignored, and he told me he wants me to chart everything for him. He said that if my chart mimics endometriosis symptoms then he will send me for a laparoscopy, and then he will further venture into all the other things that don't add up. Like the peeing my pants a little every now and then.


THEN, after those two exciting stories, my vagina set itself on fire. The flare is calming down and it's back to it's usual annoying burn. Before I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand comfortably, lying down was somewhat ok, but then my back would hurt. I didn't have anything that I could think of to make it better other than to just not wear any underwear, which was a challenge because I have a lot of discharge right now (I think it's ovulation, but I really don't know). So I laid in my bed and watched TV while eating foods that made me gain five pounds and thought of the many different things I would rather have gone through than my firecrotch.

There. I've been wanting to get that out.

P.S. My perm is pretty neat...it's not all big and crazy like my mom's was when I was a baby. It's relaxed and pretty, only I think it's coming out really fast. Just in case you were wondering.

This Week Has Been Awful

Today I went to celebrate the Ukrainian Easter with my boyfriend and his family. Which was hell. I hated every second of it, I bought a cushion which only sort of kind of helps and I have been trying to ignore this horrible burning pain in my crotch. Every time I think of the burning pain I think of firecrotch and how women with vulvodynia are the real firecrotches...anyway. I went off of birth control which is making me more emotional than I need to be, and then going to a family gathering with people whom I know I dislike is just adding to the emotional side of me.

On top of that, I have my period, which I think is now pretty much over but since I'm afraid of tampons because they hurt me, I use pads. Yes, those hurt too, just a more tolerable hurt. So there I sat, on my cushion, my pad rubbing against my skin, my pants riding up in the crotch, everyone drinking wine and vodka, and then my legs fell asleep. My allergies are acting up so I was in more of a fog than normal, and I got a headache. Fortunately the only question I got was did I fall on my tailbone, I said no, it just hurts to sit. No one asked any more questions. Good, his family are the kind of people who would make a lot of "harmless jokes". Overall it really wasn't all that bad, but I felt awful the entire time and my boyfriend was off in his own little land ignoring me and my tears I was choking back.

My brain is all over the place. I feel like shit. I'm in so much pain, more than normal. I guess it's just a flare. The weather change? Going off birth control? I don't know. There's a huge distance between my boyfriend and I right now and I feel like it's just this gap that gets bigger each day. My doctor's appointment still has me upset and having warped dreams. I didn't mention my doctor told me that I'm fat, did I? Here's the thing: I'm not fat. No, I'm not fit and thin, but I'm definately not fat. When I was in grade 9 I weighed just over 200 pounds, I lost nearly 60 pounds since. Now I fluxuate, which is normal for an 18 year old, between 10 pounds. When I get my period I gain another 10 (lucky me) so I look heavier and thinner a lot. Anyway, my doctor told me that there is no excuse for me to be "where I am without an illness" and that I need to "do aeorbic excercises like going for long runs or bike rides". I'm sorry but, pardon? You want ME to ride a bike? The girl who's pants make her cry? You want me to go for a run? I have sciatica, which means that my hips and ass don't really feel like doing that, and after a while my vagina starts to burn.

He also got mad at me when I told him I don't masturbate. He told me I "need to". I don't care if other people masturbate, but I made a personal choice not to. He can't seem to accept that. He just threw me off, so I decided to do more research about him and found out lots of other patients of his have had similar experiences and left his office because they couldn't stand his awful attititude. On top of which, during my appointment he stuck his finger in my butt, and then back into my vagina. Isn't there a rule against that? Like, isn't that why we wipe from front to back? To avoid infection? Now I wipe my butt, and I do a good job, believe me, but that was disgusting!

Ever since my appointment with him my vagina has been really irritated, most likely because he spent ten minutes poking around and pushing harder and being rougher than he needed to be. He was in a bad mood and I feel like he took it out on me.



Bleh. It's nearly two in the morning, I got that out of my system, but I'm still really upset. Sometimes I just feel so gosh darned alone that I might explode. It feels like someone is taking a knife to my vaginal opening and slitting it over and over and over. My butthole hurts and I'm not really sure why, along with my clit, my legs, hips and lower back. I'm seeing my GP on the 28th but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need a new gyno, but I live in Canada so they're hard to come by. Not that there aren't many because there are lots, just none that are taking new patients. Oh, and there's this thing where you can't get in to see a specialist without a referall. Yeah.

One day things might be better, as for now I'll just crawl into bed and hug my teddy until I fall asleep.

I Went to the Gynecologist

I'm so mad right now I don't know what words to use. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there until someone finds a cure.

My doctor - whom I used to LOVE - made me so mad today. He told me that if I don't take Cymbalta or whatever the other one I can't think of the name is, my only other option is surgery, and the surgery won't cure all the pain anyway. There's an 85% chance it will work, and that will make 90% of the pain directly in the area go away. Those are my "last" two options. I don't like taking medications because I forget to take them all the time, I always react to every one, my body builds immunities up to everything, and I don't want to take them for the rest of my life. Surgery is just scary and makes me nervous.

He told me regardless that I'm not going to get better. Is that okay to tell me? I know it's not cancer, I know this won't kill me, but I feel awful. The rest of my life is going to be this? Want to know what else he said? He said I shouldn't read blogs or other people's stories because then I'm just going to keep comparing myself to them and will want to make myself seem worse, so it basically would just turn into a huge competition. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have metioned I've been looking for help online, but my GP always tells me to do that. I'm so upset.

I want to get better. I want to get better so badly. I want to have babies when I'm older. I want to be able to sit. I want to know what did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong that cursed me with this?

I want a friend who understands.

I just want to be better.

I'm Just So Angry

I'm going to see my gynecologist tomorrow, which always brings on some sort of stress. I hate going, I'm a big girl about it and I always have been, but I just hate it so much. I hate free healthcare sometimes because it's really crappy at times. Not to say I would rather not have it, but really it sucks. I don't get to choose my doctors, I have to take what's available and then they get booked and rushed and I get forgotten about.

I'm miserable tonight and I can't sleep. I was expecting my period yesterday or today or sometime around now, but seeing as I just went off the pill it might not come when expected which is driving me nuts. I hate not knowing when it's going to hit, especially since last time I went off the pill my cramps were so bad I couldn't get out of my bed. I guess I'm thankful that it hasn't come though, I have never gone to the gynecologist when I was on my period, and frankly I don't think I want to. I called to reschedule on Monday (thinking I was going to have my period tomorrow), but they told me I had to keep my appointment or I wouldn't get in until June. I wouldn't get in until June? This most likely means that my next appointment won't be until June. Great.

Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until I fall asleep, and I know that sounds cliche and so teenage drama, but I just hate this. I feel so lonely, and I get so overwhelmed everything comes out jumbled. My boyfriend is really the only support I have around here, and my lady problems are on hold right now because we have to deal with a bigger problem involving him. Most days I feel like crap. I want to get out of this rut, I want to feel better about myself.

So I try to do little things that make me feel better, I love to get manicures and pedicures, but sitting in the bloody chairs hurts so much. Most of the time I just ignore it because my butt eventually falls asleep. On top of that, they're expensive and I only get them done once every couple of months. There's not a whole lot I can do for myself to feel good. My house is so crowded and it's so hard to have privacy around here that it just makes everything worse (there's 7 people who live in my house and we ALWAYS have company). Basically, I feel awful and I can't really make my thoughts come out any clearer. There's more I wanted to say but I forgot how I was going to say it.

Anyway, to sum it all up: I hate my vagina and I hate my muscles.

Going Off The Pill

I decided last month that I would stop taking birth control (mainly because it was too expensive and my prescription ran out). So I had my period and all was well for...a day.
Here are the changes I have noticed since I went off the pill:

- EXTREME lower abdominal pain
- bowel movements have become even more painful than before
- my stomach looks like I am pregnant (I will take a picture if you don't believe me)
- my legs ache from my hips down to my knees
- I'm stiffer (which may just be the weather change, I'm not sure yet)
- I'm more tired than ever, but can't fall asleep
- nausea every time I eat
- craving foods...like cheese and ketchup together/grease/salt/sugar (which I am not normally a fan of)
- constantly stuffing my face
- gas pains
- headaches
- more frequent urination...and sometimes peeing in my pants a little bit before I make it to the washroom
- I'm WAY more emotional
- hot flashes
- Oh, and I gained ten pounds so none of my pants fit and I had to buy new ones...



Isn't that just dandy? So I've been trying to work out, but since I have muscle problems that's not always easy. And since I live in Canada and spring is starting the weather is really stupid, changing from -5 C to 15 C within 24 hours (For those of you who use Fahrenheit that is 23 F to 59 F). I keep having really bad hot flashes and feeling like I'm dying so it really hasn't worked out. Basically I've been sitting on my butt eating donuts and drinking lots of pop, that'll make me lose weight for sure.

I am so angry and I feel so disgusting that I don't know what to do with myself. Did I mention I have horrible gas? It's bad...I feel like a pregnant woman. Food cravings, gas and peeing myself when I laugh. Yay.

I'm so tired of being in pain.

Today I did my therapy as I've been told to do for over a year, over and over, which is failing to work. I used my cream, and I used numbing gel today...nothing. I think my gel went bad actually and isn't working anymore, although it doesn't expire for another year.

Anyway, I'm pretty upset. I tried to use the gel again just two minutes ago and of course it hurt so bad trying to insert the stupid cotton...thing that I just sat on my bathroom floor and cried.

This is getting horrible, I don't have a driver's license because I never needed it when I was 16, now I'm 18 and decided I should learn to drive. I can't sit in a car without pain, I learned that tonight when I tried to drive around the block.

I went out looking for an invalid cushion (or whatever they're called) and the only one I found was at Walmart for thirty bucks...I didn't buy it but I'm betting that's the best deal for a half decent one.

I hate this. I just want to be able to sit.

Fibromyalgia, or something

So I'm going to start out with my fibromyalgia. I can guarantee things will be out of order but I'd at least like to get every disorder written down individually to start out.


Did I mention I hate spring? The dirt, the worms, the mud, the smell, the headaches, the backaches, the hipaches....

Since I was a child I've had a number of things...wrong with me. I've suffered from migraines my whole life but I usually only get them once a month. Unless it's spring, then I get them every other day.

Anyway, I'm only 18, a young one. About two years ago my body was bothering me, as in my knees were hurting and it was hard to stand for a long period of time. I used to have a paper route but quit it to work in a library which I quit to go into nanny-ing. I quit the library because shortly after I got the job my hips started hurting, a weird hurt. Like I had somehow pulled all the muscles in my hips and they were going to pop out of their sockets. Then out of the blue my entire body hurt. My neck, my back, my arms, my legs. Everything. I would be lying in my bed and feel a horrible sharp stabbing pain in my back, only to find that I had a wrinkle in my sheets. Weird.

I've always had a high pain tolerance. So that was confusing me. I went to my doctor right away and he told me that I had to be tested for rhuematoid arthritis and lupus. Say what? I was barely seventeen. Off I go, the results come back and I'm "fine". Okay, now what?

Massage therapy.

So nothing comes from it but my doctor swears by it. Telling me massage and stretching will solve my muscle problems and soon enough I'll be able ot be a marathon runner. Okay maybe not a marathon runner but whatever. Anyway, I'm not better, I'm not okay. I go back and tell him I think I have fibromyalgia, he tells me no. I tell him yes. A few appointments later he tells me I have it but he doesn't like that term.

So here I am, in pain, now eighteen, trying to figure out how to live with this...problem. My days consist of laying in bed until noon, dragging myself out of bed to eat lunch (which my darling mother makes me every day) and going to work at two thirty to babysit the little devils for three hours who I believe will be the death of me one day.

Help?

Let Me Brief You

Hello world.

Let's start out with the fact that for over a year I have been searching to find a community where I feel I can just open up and share what's wrong with me. I'm new to everything going on still so I feel very blessed to have found bloggers who have experienced what I'm experiencing. I want to thank you all now.

Continuing on, I am young, I am only eighteen. This is a scary time and it's scary to experience my multiple health problems.

I currently have been diagnosed with: Vulvodynia, Ovarian Cysts, Fibromyalgia-like symptoms (my doctor doesn't like the term 'Fibromyalgia'), and we are undergoing tests for IBS and Endometriosis. Life is a ball of fun for me right now.

I am convinced I have enometriosis as my mother had it and I have more symptoms than she did. My doctor believes I have it but told me he didn't want to run a test for it because, "there's nothing [he] can do." Which really made me mad. Don't get me wrong my doctor is amazing, I just think since I'm in his office every week I've started to exhaust him.

Anyway, to wrap up tonight, as it's late and I am not thinking clearly, everything I have been diagnosed with has come at me fast in the past two years. It kicked off with ovarian cysts and ended with fibromyalgia.

I hope to find support and I hope to help others out with different tips along the way.